The glimmer Of hope has escaped me.......

After a busy weekend full of family, love emotions, heart ache and tears. My family we're told I have cancer. By Sunday night I was exhausted from the talking, the crying the brave faces .....everything. Yesterday (Monday) was a good day, no tears a lot of reflection and more family visits. My family have amazed me in all honesty. I am not very close to my family and don't see them that often, however the support that they have offered me has amazed me in so many ways, which I guess has filled me with regret that we are not closer, that time was taken to make the effort with each other more often. I feel a lot better that they know that I now have cancer and I guess talking about it has made things easier, I have found it's the initial conversation of I have cancer is the hardest yet when family call or visit me who have been told by others I can talk freely and openly about my situation. If anything talking about it had made me think about the original oncologists appointment, he said the cancer I have rarely grows on the ovary and normally grows in the gut. E more I talked about the more I convinced myself I am thinking the worse case scenario but actually there is this possibility, and by bedtime yesterday I honestly did think I have a good chance, when I go for my results there is a chance the prognosis is good. Unfortunately this feeling and happiness didn't last. I woke as usual a few times through the night, all that I think and dream about is cancer there rally is no escape. I a laid there fir 10 mins thinking and realising the pain under my rib is there, quick feel and nothing, I can feel the pain if I lay on that side, I can feel the pain when I'm sway and crunched up, I can feel the pain at various points throughout the day but now when I start examining the area there is no pain. I can't feel anything and honestly I am gouging my fingers under my rib with no pain, although that side of my body feels harder than the other side which I remember noticing when I had a previous cyst moved. Is this normal that one side of your body is harder than the other, or am I being overly paranoid? Anyway I managed to doze back off again until the alarm went off for the kids, off they went to school with my better half while I laid in bed wallowing in self pity. Thinking shit shit shit shit shit, this life is shit, why would this happen, why is life so cruel, why would a disease exist that takes people away from their loved ones. Before I got too emotional I remembered that I promised I would pull myself together and go swimming, up I get determined to change my mood and go swimming. Before I knew it the phone was ringing, family and friends on the phone. I get more details of the cancer history of the family and am gobsmacked that I never knew this. How could I not know that there was that many people who have suffered/died of cancer in my family. My aunt was part of some genealogy research for links with cancer within the family and still gets check ups now, she is going to see if there is anything that the could do or offer me there. Who knows eh! My other aunt offered to pay for me to have a private consultation with an oncologist to see if I could get my pet scan results any quicker. I rang my consultant to find he is on holiday for 2 weeks so that is why I have to wait so long, I asked for another consultant and e only other consultant that there us could fit me in but no guarantee that my results would be back then. I asked if I paid privately could I get my results quicker and the answer was no! Guess I am just going to have to wait. By the time I finished on the phone talking to people, it was too late for a swim as the kids would be home soon. After telling my story over and over again today I actually realise that I have probably had a bit of a bubble over my head the last few days. The chances of me being in that rare case is just that bloody rare.....I have pain under my rib, I have pins and needles in my legs, I have lain in my tummy around where my ovary was removed and back ache( even though that has gone today ) let's be fair with that the chances of a good result is just not gonna happen. I started itching today which an anti histamine didn't help with when I realised actually I have itched for years for no reason, although previously an antihistermine has helped before. Could this be the unknown symptom that I should of picked up on. Could this of been the warning sign of my primary cancer that I have just ignored for years. A quick google and I guess it could of, itching is a side effect of quite a few cancers from where they suspect my primary is. Bollocks bollocks bollocks why didn't I go to the doctors about it, why did I accept that I have sensitive skin and ignore the itching, could this really of been a symptom. My emotions are pretty messed up at this point and away I go hiding in the bedroom in tears at even the thought of there being no hope. My kids are my world and the thought of them loosing me breaks my heart. I become distraught at the normal conversations of when I am 10 can we do this, mam will you love me forever, mam when I'm older will we etc etc....holy shit how do I answer that? She got a of course with a huge lump in the back of my throat and tears coming down my face as I might not see any of it. I hid away for a good hour crying and thing why bloody me? I don't even think I am sad for me, if it's bad yes I'm going to die but so is everyone one day. Mine might be a lot sooner than I wanted to be, it might be not the way wanted it to be, but what hurts more is the pain I'll leave behind, i see my family heart broken, I see my other half putting on such a brave face, if almost in denial of it all, but what hurts the most is the grief my kids will experience. How can this world be so cruel. Not feeling so hopeful today today although now holding back the tears, tomorrow I will go swimming first thing and then family are coming to visit again, which will no doubt result in more tears. Gosh I am so exhausted from it all! If only there was a rewind button I could press and and choose when to go back and to stop the clock before this happens with the knowledge I now have :(. Here's to having that therapeutic swim in the morning and my mood brightening....... X