The calm before the storm........

Well it's been a busy week. My step daughter has now gone home, and I am no longer occupied 24/7. It's been a relatively normal week, intact if it wasn't for the fact my brain is ready is ready to explode I would think the last few months hasn't even happened. Since she was little my step daughter has always been like an extra arm. When ever I turn around she is there, if I sit, she sits, if I go to the loo she finds something to do upstairs until I finish peeing then we carry on talking etc... Her visit probably couldn't of come at a better time as I have had very little time to think of what ifs.......However it has been s love,y week, catching up and having lots of girlie time. My kids are very young, so most of the time with them is sent playing with dolls, running around but once bed time comes my mind is playing over time. This hasn't been able to happen this past week which I am grateful for, Yesterday the house was all quiet, even with my 3 terrors running around, they occupied themselves most of the day with little input from me. Their dad did some disaster baking, which thankfully tasted ok, but looked terrible. It did make us laugh though. I spent most of the day thinking how on earth are we going to manage financially, I go onto no pay soon. work have been amazing, sent a gift card round for the local supermarket to help with food etc and a spare hoover as they knew mine had broken and It just wasn't on the agenda to buy a new one. I felt totally overwhelmed with their kindness and thoughtfulness as this time. I have thought of selling everything and anything in my home, but to be honest what I'm willing to part with just ain't worth that much, so my other option is to go bak to work. I think I am going to have to go back, not only for a financial aspect but also to keep my mind working overtime. My current sick note is until the end of the month, but im thinking if possible I will be going back before this runs out. I am hoping once chemotherapy starts I can maybe go back part time?....or am I kidding myself?.... So the storm cloud is looming, and it's going to get to me on Wednesday. The dreaded results day..... If you have. Read previous posts you will know how bad I was waiting for these results and the emotional torment I put myself through. I self diagnosed myself with everything, I googled daily, and was in tears for 20 of the 24 hours in a day. I couldn't even look at my kids. My family pushed me into trying to get my results quicker, which I am so glad that I called the oncologist, as a 4 week wait from being told you have an unknown primary cancer is the worst experience I have encountered in my life.. In my early 30's the thought of death for me was not an option, but over night this turned into a very probable near future fate. My oncologist was on holiday so I spoke to his colleague who had a look at my pet/ct scan and said he could see no active cancer in my body, anywhere in the scan. I then asked the question of, would you leave this as an unknown primary or treat me for ovarian cancer, and his reply was ovarian, although he did say that he didn't examine the scan with a fine tooth comb, but from looking at it briefly this was his conclusion and my own oncologist will confirm and go over my results with me. O now the build up to the Soren commences, apparently I was not in a good place yesterday according to my better half. My mood pretty much Grumpy and miserable. My reply was what the he'll do you expect, D DAY is looming, Wednesday is going to set my future. My thoughts are now of, if this is early stages not advanced cancer they have left me for nearly 3 months with molecules of cancer floating around in my body wanting to attach themselves to something since my operation. If this is early stages what are my chances of not having a recurrence and that getting me..... I originally thought there wasn't a lot of cancer in my family as it turns out there is actually a hell of a lot, just wish my family had shared this information with me before hand. turns out ovarian and bast cancer is ripe within the family. I am going to be asking for the brca gene test on wednesday too with a family history chart, so here's hoping he agrees or at least sends me for routine checks of the breasts as well everywhere else. so here I am awaiting the storm, hoping it won't be bad and with any luck it may just fly over or die down before it hits. The weather man got it wrong and the sun will come out with a sparkly new hat on! X