Well yesterday was an emotional day but one that had to be done. I finally told my parents that I have cancer.
I braved up at about 11 o clock to call them with the news, and there was no answer again. I stupidly thought to myself, could is be a sign that each time I call to tell them, there is no one home. Could it be a sign that I would be worrying them for no reason and by some sort of miracle they are going to tell me they made a mistake and I do not have cancer.
however about 2 o clock my phone call got returned and I told them. I was heart broken telling them the news and yet again thought why the fleck has this got to happen to me, to my family, why? ....
They came to see my straight away, which involved lots of tears as you can imagine. Lots of how's and why's went on, but to be honest I don't have the answers, and until my oncologist tells me exactly where the cancer is in my body, I really have no idea what I am dealing with.
My partner was relieved as we no longer have to tell those White lies about where we are going and why we can't help with things on certain days as I have had appointments to go to. he asked if I felt the same, and although I felt some relief, I yet again felt that pain and utter dismay of now people know it makes it all the real. As more people know there is less chance of me waking from this nightmare and going back to my old life. I also hate the fact of people worrying about me and strain on people's lives and the fact there are now more people that are going to be worrying daily breaks my heart. I have to go through this, but do they really have to know my pain and worry until they have to. Well I guess they do. this is going to be a very hard journey and I am going to need all the help i can get along the way.
My parents are going to tell my siblings so at least that is one less thing to worry about, only I am finding I am on the edge of my seat every time the phone rings knowing that it is going to be another emotional roller coaster today. If only I could just send them all an email, and answer any questions that way rather than me having to talk about it, although I suppose it gets easier the more I talk about it, I'm just not one to share my emotions with others and let them see me that way.
I realised yesterday that one of the hardest parts of this journey so far is the "unknown". I am being asked what is it? Where is it? How did they find this? How could it be with no family history, and no high risk factors in my life? Simple answer I have no freaking idea. I wish that I did, if it is my time why didn't they just let me go on the operating table when in all honestly I genuinely thought I was going to die. Could this be a sign that things aren't too bad and there is light at the end of tunnel? I guess I can only hope. ......
Positive thoughts are happening today. I have decided that sitting and thinking the worst is not going to achieve anything and only make me feel worse. If I am going to fight this and win the fight then I must think that way. Time to get off my but and enjoy the things in life that are so special to me.......
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FormerMember
Oh Kellista I know how difficult - no let's change that to traumatic - this is for you as my brother found it really upsetting to see everyone getting upset and crying. He said that was the worst part of it all. It got to the point where apart from close family he put updates out on Facebook so that he didn't have to continually tell people what was happening.
Waiting to find out exactly what you are up against is also one of the worst times. I hope with all my heart that the results from your scan are better than you expect them to be. I say this because I know you will be obsessing on the worst possible scenario and that is only human!
Try and think positive and if talking about this to family and friends proves to be too much why don't you get your partner or another family member to do it for you.
You said it yourself in those last 2 sentences!! Get off your butt and start kicking that cancer's arse!!
As to speaking to people, you can say what you do and don''t want.People will understand.
I wrote a letter to my work and told them that I did not want lots of sympathy and people talking about it and could we carry on as normal as best as possible with a bit of understanding of tiredness etc. People understood.
You can also send an email and say that as much as you love the support etc, lots of phone calls are very tiring and too much speaking about your emotions etc. and tell them what you do want. You could nominate someone to pass on info etc for you so you just chat to one sibling or you mum or whoever you feel best about.
Do whatever suits you. I asked for no phone calls (apart from my brother and aunt) but that email was great as I could answer them when I was up to it. Everyone understood and was fine about it.
In some ways people don't know what to do or what is best, so being told is a relief to them.
It will get easier I promise. This waiting and not knowing is the hardest bit as all you can do is speculate.
Can't really add to LM's comments but just to reinforce that you expressed your own wise words in the last few sentences. Once the awful waiting is done and you get all the answers and a treatment plan, you'll go kick it's arse good style. And the way you choose to deal with it and how you keep everyone in the loop is up to you, family and friends understand.
