My morning started off pretty much the same as it has for the past week.
I wake about 6.30 thinking s*** it isn't a dream and it's still very real. I have cancer.
What a nasty thing to even exist in the world. A quick google of any aches and pains I have, quick check of this site and then the email in the hope of that email telling me I've won big on the lottery. Can pay for all this to be done swiftly and receive the best treatment available.
Kids dressed and off to school. I can feel the emotions building and the why me already with a few tears. Quick tidy round and then just sit. Realisation that kids going back to school and me not going to work is going to drive me insane.
Better half sits with me and starts asking questions......tears start good old cry ahead full of emotions. Feeling very sorry or my other half now as he doesn't know what to do, but let's be honest there's nothing really he can do but wrap his arms around me when I need it. The realisation that I might not see my kids grow up is killing me more and more everyday.....
Post arrives and confirmation of the pet scan comes......realisation that I havnt cancelled my ct scan hits and off I go, hunting for that safe place I put the letter........astonishingly this was my bedroom window sill. Maybe I need to get a bit more organised and start filing things.
Appointment cancelled and some logic sets in..........the ct scan was for thorax, abdominal and pelvis scan.
My ct scan pre op was thorax and abdominal so surely any cancer would of shown up in this or were they just concentrating on the ovarian tumour. However the malignancy risk was 90 which apparently is not that bad......so my logic tells me maybe I am not as riddled as I imagine with this dreadful disease and surely it would of been picked up.
Positive attitude back and off to town I go to get me out of the house. Being a lover of craft I can't resist our local art shop who have stamps on sale so I buy them all.
One stamp hit a nerve " celebrate the everyday" what a fantastic quote....this will be my motto from now on to dredge me out of my slump.
Home, kids collected from to school and off to visit the sister in law in hospital.... Walking past the Macmillan centre I feel like everyone's eyes are on me awaiting a reaction of some sort, but I was hard faced and headed fir the wards. Visit over and home we go.
My eldest daughter is autistic and the bad day hits home again......tears emotions and the sheer confusion hits her.
She wants her aunt, she doesn't want her in hospital, she misses her. Wow holy sh**, where did this come from.
Sit down and explain her aunt has an infection and the clever doctors are giving her special medicine to make her better and she will be home soon. Oh no this is not good enough, she will only not miss her if she goes home. More in-depth but basic conversation had, bigged all the doctors up to be super human with special powers basically. How I held back the tears is beyond me.
All I now think is how in earth is she going to cope with what we have to deal with.....how will she understand mummy is going to get sick, be it with the treatment or illness. What if I can't be treated.....how on earth are my family going cope......what a horrid horrid year this is........
On top of all this the pins and needles down my legs are back with vengeance, with the prickles heading to my arms and face...........pain under ribs still there, back ache from shopping and the odd pain in the tummy which I
hope is scar tissue.
Oh the joys.........tomorrow the "celebrate the everyday" begins!
X
FormerMember
Hello Kellister,
You are having a bad time with all that's going on but things will get better. Once you have had the scans and the Dr have decided what they are going to do you will be able to deal with things. I think the not knowing and the waiting for things to happen is the worst part. If you need a chat come into the chat room we are a very supportive group and will help you through this horrible time.
Hugs Rosie xxxx
I think rosie said it all really... please try to not torture yourself with the what ifs... it doesn't change anything. Talking to macmillan might also help. It does get easier I promise and once you know what is happening etc your will be calmer.
The aches and pains are a funny one that i think we all do... I notice I get aches in my liver area before I have a scan on it...psychological thinking about it. My bum hurts- usually its because I think the cancer has come back, now its because of the operation, when I am feeling good, it's just aches cos it does.
Anyway, please don't torture yourself and as you say 'enjoy the everyday' and enjoy the treatment free time you have at the moment....
sending you a big hug in the meantime and hoping for the best results
Wouldn't it be lovely if we could wake up and it was all a dream? Although in that case I would take a very serious look at what I'd had for supper the night before and make sure never to have it again.
In the meantime, cancer ... well, it's a bastard. It messes with your life, and your headspace, and with the people around you like nothing else I know. We can't do much besides put our faith in the people treating us, and believe that we'll get through it all somehow. A lot of people, I think, find that they're far stronger than the ever realised, when they have to be.
How well I understand that "it's a bad dream" feeling ...
Rosie, Little My and Hilary have all said things I can relate to. My advice is don't hesitate, this is a difficult period so use all the help that's out there, Macmillan as well as the rest, to get through it. You'll find more strength within yourself than you think, along with friends and support in the most unexpected places.
Enjoy every good moment to give you strength and help you through the bad ones, it's hard at first but even this rotten road will get easier with experience, it's a steep learning curve but you will learn to cope. Have confidence in yourself.
Thanks everyone for your kind words. They mean so much. I forgot to mention quite an important part of the day yesterday with all the doom and gloom.
Something very peculiar happened to me while atthe hospital visiting my sister in law.
As walking down the corridor to go to the cafe to get the sister in law off the ward for a change, a family were waking in front with a small child no older than maybe 14 months, she pointed at me and said my name. As the family turned around my face was in total shock as I confirmed that it was my name..... Very clever child. She did bring a big smile To my face though.........:)
Little things can surprise as much as the biggest things......
X
