Today I decided I was going to stay strong and try my hardest not to cry. Kids off to school and jugs of water thrown down my neck ready for my pet scan.
I have to say it was a big shock walking in, I was the youngest person there and reality hit when I seen other patients who had already been through chemo and were showing the side effects. I can only describe the feeling as OMG this is real, this is really happening to me.......
it was eventually my turn to go down for the scan, I have to say it was the longest and most boring 2 hours of the day. Sat in a room on my own while the radioactive material makes it way through my body. I was very tempted to go to sleep but I had a camera virtually in my face and the thought of my snoring and them chuckling away on e other side of the door stopped me.
All over and done with eventually and it came as a big relief. It was the scan at is going to determine my future. Lets hope for a good one.
The staff there were nice but not very talkative, so found myself staring at ceilings and walls. However the job had to be done, there departing advice was don't go near any kids or pregnant women for 8 hours. 8 hours with 3 kids under 7 is not gnu to be easy. Therefore I have banished myself to sorting out junk upstairs and tidying up. The moment tidying up comes into it the kids are away anyway lol....
I mentioned yesterday about the lumps on my foot and leg that appeared, well I was awake half the night scratching them. The menopausal hot flushes are enough to deal with, without clawing my skin off so rang the doctors and made an appointment.
Went in, determined to be strong and not cry ( should of known better really). First tears of e day come as soon as the doctor starts asking questions. Damn it! Pulled myself together and explained to her about the journey so far...( last time I seen her, it was presumed to be ovarian cancer, not unknown primary). Upon discussing this the doctor was so confused how this could be, I had no symptoms pre December when the ovarian tumour appeared.
I discussed that fact the oncologist said to me that the cancer is normally found in the gut not the ovary, but rarely can be found on the ovary only. I asked about this glimmer of hope as by my research a cancer cell grows and replicates where is grows therefore how could a gut cancer grow rarely on the ovaries? I can only think the oncologist was trying to put my mind at some sort of ease when I would rather the plain truth. I will be asking him about this when I see him for my dreaded results. Anyway, i updated her on the pins and needles in my legs to
say that when i was on the antibiotics the feeling virtually went away but came back in the last week full force! she
said it looked like bites not to worry and gave me some cream and antibiotics for 10 days.
Discussed work, when I said I'll try and go back in 2 weeks, she was shocked and her words were " why the he'll would you do that". Well the simple fact is I can't afford to stay off work. We live on my income, and although I'm on half pay at the moment I will eventually end up on no pay and the benefit line here I come but this will not make up my salary but hey it's better than nothing once I've jumped through the rings. I did warn her though that i would probably be back in 2 weeks if my emotions werent controlled. I was offered pills for this but refused. I believe as hard as this is, it's a process I have to go through to be able to come out the other end sane....Macmillan nurse offered, which I refused for the time being but will hold her to the offer if needed.
I left the surgery with a confused dr from my cancer update, not sure if this was from the speel the oncologist gave me or from the fact I have an advanced cancer somewhere in my body with no symptoms what so ever, however I am happy in the hope the prescription will stop this itching lumps and a mild hope it will subside the pain and numbness from the pins and needles in my legs.
My oldest friend is coming over tonight for a girly chat with numerous cups of tea and maybe the sly chocolate
which I'll look forward to, it will be a test of emotions if she starts to ask questions as I hate people seeing me cry
but hey ho might as well get it out the way, have a good cry and then it's done.
Night everyone x
