While we were waiting for the nurses I had got upset with Paul and Ewa and went outside and cried my eyes out.Things had just got on top of me,not for the first time but I did eventually come back in but still quite upset.I was just angry,well more frustrated than angry with Paul and Ewa about Mo's future care.Trying to get paul to agree with getting Mo into 'respite care' had been a 'bone of contention'between us for a little while now.Unfortunately the tears returned,frustrated,I said to Paul"Its ok for you two, you can go back home and carry on with your lives whereas I can't","I'm here 24/7 and watching Mo steadily get worse day in and day out,not that I'm complaining,and she needs a bit more care than I can give her,she needs medical and professional care!". "You both think I want to ship Mo off to the hospice and forget about her,'out of sight out of mind'but thats not the case,far from it!".Paul said he knew that wasn't the case and that I was and have been doing all I can for her and both him and Ewa had no problem, no problem at all with that.I could feel a 'but' coming on,I can't remember now if there was one or what it was,sorry!. Acknowledgements fine from them both but it wasn't helping or solving the root of the problem,Mo's future care.We continued to talk between ourselves about various things and aired our opinions,once again!.The one thing we DID agree on was the delays in getting Mo treated.Calling the Doctor and the Hospice at Home team,waiting for SOMEONE to come who could give Mo a poxy injection wasn't necessary.Mo in severe pain and discomfort for longer wasn't necessary.If she was in the hospice there wouldn't be that delay for 1-2 hours in treating her pain or anything else that may happen.Yes,there may be a delay of sorts but not as severe as it can be here at home.Because of that reason,and possibly that reason alone,Paul agreed to get his mum into the hospice.We all decided that we would inform the Hospice at Home team of our decision when they got here, on the understanding that we all still wanted Mo to die at home and not in the hospice.The Hospice at Home team understood what we were saying and said St Michaels Hospice would do their best to make that happen.Paul and I still aren't entirely happy about sending mo to the hospice,its just another 'hard choice' for us to make.The only way I personally can feel a little better about it is to tell myself "Whenever Paul and I AREN'T at the hospice caring for Mo, someone else IS,and still caring for her just as well"
