I found visiting Mo very tough today I was ok when I arrived she was having her nails done, sitting up in the 'special chair' quite happy and contented. It wasn't until later on I started to get upset when thoughts of Mo dying entered my head. Just the thought of Mo not being around, the thought of what am I going to do without her on my own. The trouble is the more you think about it the more upset you become and the more Mo sees that sadness. I think the turning point of me becoming upset was when Mo said to one of the nurses "I'm not feeling well", the tears just came. Even now as I'm writing this blog I can feel me getting upset again and the tears returning. Every now and again while I was with Mo today, she would just look at me through her sore eyes and you could see the sadness in her eyes because I was getting upset. Its so hard to remain upbeat and cheerful-ish everyday, there are going to be days when the cracks begin to show and I think Mo appreciates the honesty and overwhelming feeling of love between us when the mask slips. Mo and I had an emotional chat today she remembered we had been together 11 years, we mentioned about how sad we were going to be when Mo does go. She was particularly worried about Paul her son, no surprise really they are very close. Mo said to me that its been hard for us both and I got tearful again Mo tried to touch my face but she found it hard so she reassuringly managed to touch my arm, tears again. I went to go so the nurses could put Mo back but found I just couldn't leave her I said "how am I going to cope without you?", and that I wasn't ready to give her up, selfish I know I just can't at the present. I asked Mo to keep fighting and not give up and I shouldn't of done!! , Mo nodded and I eventually managed to let the nurses put Mo back in the bed. I just burst into tears and went out into the hall the ward sister saw me crying and said "tough day?",your not joking I thought and she tried to comfort me. I said "just popping outside for 5 mins, please let me back in" the ward sister nodded and I went outside in the garden. While I was in the garden I continued to cry even more so outside.
Somehow I managed to pull myself together and went back in to see Mo and she was asleep, probably emotionally drained like me. I just stood in the doorway for twenty minutes just watching Mo sleep, watching every breath to reassure myself it wasn't her last then I left still very upset and tearful. Today I had a glimpse of how it was going to be when Mo leaves us, it was very sad, very heartbreaking, very tearful, very emotional, frightening and absolutely horrible and unfortunately very inevitable.
