Angry, Sad, Confused!

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FormerMember

20 Jan 2012

Today I'm feeling angry! Cancer is taking over my life! It's all I talk about, think about and read about! I beat by battle in 2010 when I went into remission and there isn't a day that passes that I don't think it's returned as a part of my body gives off a little pain or something...however I always manage to rationalize my thoughts. Never the less, there is no escaping it! My partner has Multiple Myeloma and my closest friend and God Mother to my children has Breast Cancer! What is going on????

It's as though I have many masks...a strong face, a frightened face, a tired face among lots of others but today I'm just so very angry! Why do I have to live my life like this? I didn't plan this!! I want my happy family back...holidays with my partner and children, going for meals without worrying if smells with make Melvin(partner) nauseous...the list is relentless. I don't want my days taken up with hospital visits, scans, treatment and blood tests.....I want to talk about happy things instead of the fear and anxiety of this bloody Cancer!

What is our future going to be like? What do I say to my children? How can I support everyone when i feel like I'm feeling apart! I just want to go to bed and pull the quilt above my head and hiding! !

FormerMember over 12 years ago

Hi Kez

I know angry very well, he is a very good friend of mine - or should that be termed a bad enemy of mine. I don't think he ever goes away and taps me on the shoulder quite regularly and I imagine it is the same with you. I think the only way to deal with him is accept his presence and have a good scream and yell (into a pillow if needs be). I go down to Fairy Dell which is generally deserted in the winter and scream my head off when angry is visiting me.

Fear and anxiety can be pushed aside but sometimes they come visiting too. Have you thought of calling the Mac Helpline.? It sounds as though you are trying to be all things to all men and women while still in recovery from this horrid disease yourself.

Be kind to yourself and take a little time out for you as well as trying to be strong for others.

Much love and bit squidgy hugs,

Nin xxxxx
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FormerMember over 12 years ago

Hi Nin....

Thank you for your thoughtful message. It's so very hard isn't it?! You are right when you say that I'm being everyone's support, however that's what I do...it's as though I am programmed to be everyone's sounding board. I am a coper...(or so I thought)...when things are thrown at me I just seem to 'get on with it' but I think I'm just at the point of ...NO MORE!!!! My journey with cancer was a sort of self discovery as well as all the awful things that cancer brings. I got to know myself, my strengths and weaknesses and one of my flaws is that I strive for 'perfection' in many of the things I do....and I think that at the moment I'm finding everything too tough to bare and very suffocating to say the least. I have to cope! I have to listen! I have to stay strong! ......and I just don't want to right now. I'm feeling so very sorry for myself........

I really am my own worst enemy sometimes Nin!

I haven't called the helpline yet, however I am in contact with some lovely people who are supportive which is lovely. I think speaking to someone who can relate to your feelings is the biggest help of all.....at least you feel 'normal'!

How are you anyway? How is your journey?

Thank you again for your message and hope to hear from you again.

take care for now and lots of love and smiles.....

Kerry x x x x
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