Can't let this afternoon pass without recording a smile at the mighty All Blacks and their win. Was that 51 points they scored.......... ?! Yep indeed. And what about the gorgeous Dan Carter. My man was a Kiwi, and I like to think he was sitting with 2 of his brothers, his Ma & Pa in wherever Heaven is and cheering on their beloved team. Hurray! Why I may even have to see if I can get an NZ passport!
The recycling bin is full to the brim, The shredder has steam coming out of it, and an awful lot of stuff was ditched this week-end in an attempt to make space so I can do the paperwork upstairs. Yes, I started a clear-out. This was partly a result of finding too many photos I didn't want to see, and a lot of those are in the bin. I can only do a bit at a time as it is a bit sad. Bits of someone's life being thrown away, but hey, there is only so much you can and want to keep. And on the way, I came across some lovely photos too. My man as a proud Dad with the kids when they were small. Me looking far too young. Heyho.
So, working through the grief, which is hellish hard and almost impossible, and very frightening at times. And I am STILL HERE.
And a quiet tea with my sweet neighbour who was widowed 3 years ago, so she understands. Makes up for what everyone told me would happen. People's lives carry on and even friends think I must be managing and so the phone doesn't ring quite as often. Some days, nothing at all. So you have to work even harder to keep going.
I read somewhere that it is easy to make your relationship with your lost one into something it wasn't quite, in order to account for the extent of your loss. So I had a good think about that, and made a list in my journal of the things I didn't rate in my marriage. Trying to get some perspective on things. Still, despite the rubbish, the bad bits, the difficult patches and the fact that it wasn't perfect ( what relationship is) I still reckon my man and I had something good and worth being thankful for. And of course, I still love him and will probably always do so. And I miss him loads. And I could wish it wasn't like this and I don't want to be on my own and it's not fair and I hate cancer with a vengeance. And the grief is relentless. And so on and so on .......
But ........ one foot in front of the other.......
And I shall raise a glass to the All Blacks and my lovely man. (Think I will hang the All Black flag out of the window just to annoy the neighbours and my Scots friends up the road.)
Three deep breaths everyone ........
Little Jen
