Hi all, I’m going to say sorry for writing so much, but it does say get it off your chest – or similar.
I’ve said somewhere on here that we have been together over 45 years, married for 43 years 7 months, when she lost the fight with cancer. That was 31st Dec, or just 10 weeks ago. For the last 22 years we worked together as a team, supplying & fitting camper parts. (we ordered a new van early in Sep, to covert for ourselves, before she was diagnosed, so we could go when we wanted, & come back when we were ready – it arrived 8th Jan; read on you will see the significance of this). So the longest period of time we were separated was on a Saturday when she went shopping with my mom – about 4 hours. What I’m saying is that I have never been on my own, EVER.
During the last couple of weeks, of Ingrid’s fight, I broke down in front of her; dropped to my knees & wept on her lap, asking her ‘how will I manage without you?’ it was the only time I saw tears fill her eyes. But she just said ‘you’ll be ok, you’ll manage’. & then she called me a big woos… I said ‘yes but I’m your big woos’.
She was so calm about the whole thing that she even asked me to find prices for coffin’s !!! she said you seem to find everything on ebay, so have a look will you? I found a guy near Blackpool selling them & copied the details, including pictures. When I showed them to her, I asked if she would like the one of the last supper; very nice, plenty of detail. You know what she said?......why, your only going to burn it…. Buy the one there (pointing to the cheapest at £165 & specifically for cremation)…she always was tight when it came to spending on herself. I found that when she was going for chemo, she only had one pair of trousers that were ‘suitable’ according to her. So on our last trip away (to Blackpool, for my moms birthday, 5th Nov) I took her to a shop in Fleetwood, & as soon as we got through the door I said ‘we don’t leave here until you have three pairs of trousers’. I couldn’t believe it, without argument she just walked over to the trousers, chose three different colours & said ‘ok?’ I just nodded, I was speechless (the irony is that she only wore one pair, just once; the other two pairs are still on the hanger in her wardrobe).
Anyway, I digress…. She was in hospital over Christmas, because the calcium levels had risen again & I said to her ‘if this goes the way it has the last two times, you could well die on Christmas day & I don’t think you want the kids & grandkids to remember you for that?’ (she didn’t want to go back into hospital because of the pain they put her through trying to find a vein; plus she wanted to die at home). she readily agreed & went in the Friday before Christmas. They had problems getting the calcium levels down, & on the following Thursday, Ingrid said she wanted to go home. The ambulance was arranged to bring her home next day. On Saturday, her dad & my mom came to see her. She was her old self, smiling, even telling jokes. (now remember her dad had only lost his wife in October – Ingrid’s step mom – her own mom died of cancer when she was 13 in 1960 & when she was diagnosed I could see all the pictures come flooding back). When they left around 4pm, the change in Ingrid was unbelievable….within one hour she was ‘out of it’ & sleeping.
The coffin arrived Sunday 30th Dec (she didn’t see or know anything about it); as if once again, she had organised the whole thing.
During the Sunday night she never moved a muscle, & when I checked her at 7.20am her eyes were half open & showing white. I said, ‘I think your in a coma’ & the only response I got was for her eyelids to move/flutter. So I knew she heard me. I called the daughters to get here asap. They arrived around 9 – 9.20. at 9.30 the nurses came to change/wash her. But when I told them of how she was, they said they wouldn’t wash her, just change her. I’m glad they did because the movement made her open her eyes properly. When they had finished she just closed her eyes & went back to sleep. At 10.10 she took three breaths…each one smaller that the first…& stopped breathing.
Now we have always been practical & down-to-earth, so here’s my question; I loved my wife dearly, but how long before I should consider ‘moving on’? as said I’ve never been alone & it’s the loneliness I just cant take. Should I look for someone else so soon? My mate who lost his wife to cancer 1st Oct. said too early would be disrespectful of Ingrid. But being practical, I know she is not coming back, she has gone & I have the ashes to prove it! I’m still crying every day, even this morning I woke & within 30 seconds I was crying….but is that just self pity? And what do I do with the new van? I think I have to convert it just for her, but I don’t think I can do it alone; she was always there to help. Just to make tea, & make sure that I sit down every half hour (I have a degenerative spine) then she would clean up or fetch tools (she knew the difference between AF & metric – she had 45 years to learn!).
Im never going to get that kind of woman, I know, but just to have someone there…or is too soon?
Am I being practical or just looking for excuses?
I know some of you will say, talk to a councillor….what I’m afraid of is some ‘old’ teenager coming to see me & saying ‘well you know what Ingrid would want you to do…’
Sorry but I’ve know her for 45 years, & here you are telling ME what she would want! I’d just be showing them the door…being practical again?
As they say on all good radio stations….answers on a post card please…or here..
Thanks for staying this far, Alan
