The day that changed everything - in the beginning

When did it start , I can't remember now sometime in october is when I found it ... But it could have been there for months silently multiplying amounting an assault on It's own body , I think that's a damm cheek really - I have called it the little fucker  I was skiving off work , I was sick but not the lie on the couch watching David Dickinson , kind  of sick , I was sick of this bloody cough though it was like a seal had taken residence in my chest - another unwelcome squatter ,I feel like a bording  house !! Anyway I had  some bank stuff to do so I got in the shower and that's when I found it , if only it was bidding behind the shower curtain and had said boo , I could have slapped it down the plug hole , but it was in me ,sitting proudly up with a big fat fucking grin on its face I imagine or maybe it was a bit shocked to be found as it had been there for a while . I'm not a boob checker ... Well unless there not mine :-) , but for some reason I did , first to the lumpy one on the left see if I could feel the one that sent me to the drs before , check still there , then the right  on , yep that felt the same ,little bit higher up on the right ahhh there it was ..... Hard little lump , didn't move when I pressed it didn't hurt ,I thought what's that , so with one finger on it I tried to pinpoint  the same on the right  one ... Nope definitely not there ....  I wasn't going to say anything , but I can't keep anything to myself so I said that night I'd found a lump and could she just check it for me and see if she could feel it , yep she could feel it too  So I rang the drs got an appointment a few days later and had my boobs felt by a very handsome dr whilst the receptionist stood staring  at the wall whilst I was sized up , apparently they like to see if they look any different and get you to put your arms up and to the sides, it's a bit like doing aerobics  but no spandex  ,they still looked the same saggy spaniels ears , but now the right one has a 1 cm lump as well . Dishy doctor said he would send me to the breast clinic just to get it checked out , but not to worry if the appointment came through quickly as that was normal , I laughed and said don't worry  I'm an optimist and it will be nothing ....... Yeah right I was straight on google as soon as I had got to work and told everyone about the dishy doctor ... Can't keep anything to myself . Appointment came through within the time said I was a little bit worried when it was fast track appointments but dIsmmeshed it as nothing  November the 4th boob check day  morning We went to the clinic at the Appoited time and I was whipped away into a side and asked to undress the top half  and but on an attractive piece of green smock and the consultant would pop I'm and see me .  A huge black man came in and introduced himself can't remember his name but I did think I was being interviewed for job as he wanted to know all about what I did and I just wanted to tell him to shut up and get on with it I hadn't got all bloody day , I had planed an afternoon of skiving  Eventually he starts ,asks me to show him where it was , I did and he said it was tiny  I felt a bit offended really like he was saying it was nothing so I said perspective is different as I thought it was massive he said nah it's like a tiny pea ad proceeded to put a little circle around it in pen , he said it was nothing to worry about so we would do an ultrasound just to check , so now me and my little black ringed pea went to sit in our smock waiting to be scanned . I was staring at the wall and the nurse poped out she said I know he was just going to send you for an ultra sound but your going to have a mama gram first , hmmm , panic level went up a notch , silly bitch it's standard procedure I said to myself . So mamagrame ...... What sadistic bastard evemted that machine , I mean my spinels ears are stretchy enough without them being clamped into a bloody vice and streached anymore ,  Clamping over ,back outside I was offered a glass of water for my  cough ,as old sealy had come along for the day too ,  There was a little old lady sat there and she was upset , she said she couldn't sleep or eat because if it was something she knew what was coming.. I tried to reassure her and say don't worry till you know as no point , inside she had just moved my painic meter up another notch !!!  She said that she would rather have a fag than a good meal , she reminded me of mum  I was taken into a little room , I remember thinking it was cosy compared to the clamping room , lie down there , cold gel on your boob and a metal ball rolled over you , I statered up at the polygon felling tiles checking the damp spots out and talking shite, I get verbal diaharia  when I'm nerves and use hummer to cope ,  I remember thinking god she's taking a long time and I turned round to look at the screen , and there it was my little fucker , all black and lumpy , I said is that it , yes , but don't worry it's not as big as it looks  on screen it's about a cm ...So ..... If it was a pea it was a marrow fat.  More scanning and clicks taken on the screen , I was being given I good once over , and then she said .... I'm just going to check your lymph nodes !!! WTF , I looked round just at the point she was measuring a big long dark lump .. Fuck ... I didn't look back at the screen After that .  We are going to do a biopsey , the medical assistant got quite animated at that point , it was like a highlight oooooo a biopsey now let me stack my trolley , I had cranked the panic meter up a few notches we were on level 5 at this point so I asked the nurse to go get J as I didn't like neddles  , I don't mind neddles I just didn't want to be on my own I was scared .  Doctor comes in very posh, bit of chit chat he says the word partner and my ears prick up , only gay people use that term to describe the other half .... Yep I was right they were having a party and his partner wanted to have 30 people round ... Check .... Gaydar still working . So now he tells me I will feel a little prick as they but the anesthetic in and then when they do the biopsey I will hear a large spring sound , I looked at J and squeezed her hand until it was over , back outside into reception I said they found more ... They have seen something in my lymph nodes , she went pale , and said could it not be because I was due on , I said yeah maybe .. Inside my head all I could see was that long black tube  We were taken back into the side room where the dr pea came in and started to ask jac about her job I was like what's going on here is he just noisy or is it an attempt at bed side manner . He brings with him Linda who is a breast care nurse and I should contact her if I needed ,I thought 2 things ,firstly why do I need a breast care nurse and secondly why did she look crazy with her hair all stuck out and those bushy eyebrows  Dr peas last words were try not to worry I'm sure it's nothing sinister ...... Hmmmm I thought a couple of hours ago you told me it was nothing to worry about and now your saying it's not too sinister !  Afternoon - panic level 6  It felt a bit odd , I was expecting to be dismissed  with a fatty lump by 12 o clock , but instead now I had to wait 11 days to find out it was not sinister  I prodded the little fucker just because it made me feel better  We got the train to Leeds ,jJ had planed to take me to Jamie's to celebrate my fatty lump , we still went , I had a lump In my throat for most of the meal , but because she looked so beautiful I held it together and we celebrated being meat eating vegetarians by have a Jamie meat plater front two and a bottle of wine ,the wine helped a lot , we found a bar had a couple more drinks and went to watch tin tin at the cinema .