Some reminders of our loved ones are almost inevitable, especially during the first period after a death. That's when we all face a lot of "firsts" — those first special days that'll pass without our very special loved one.
As the weeks and months go by, I’m sure that I will have to face other significant days or celebrations without my beloved Val and that will trigger my grief again. Some of these "firsts" and other special occasions that I sure will reawaken that grief will probably include:
§ Reminder of the first holiday we had together
§ Her birthday
§ Our wedding anniversary
§ Anniversaries of special days — when we met, when we became engaged, when you took our last trip to Spain together and also that moment when she quietly slipped away from me forever.
My reaction to one of these firsts – her Birthday, has been very intense and almost overwhelming as I spent it alone and without any support from our friends or her family. But as the years pass, I hope I will find it easier to cope — but never forget.
Reminders can be anywhere, and unexpected
Reminders aren't just tied to the calendar, though. They can be anywhere — in sights, sounds and smells, in the news or on television programs and they can ambush you, suddenly flooding the emotions as I have found when seeing a restaurant Val loved or when I hear a song she liked so much, or see a TV program like ‘Causality’ that she loved to watch
I guess that even years after my loss, I will continue to feel sadness and pain when confronted with such reminders. Although some people may tell me that grieving should last a year or less, I will grieve at my own pace — not on someone else's expected timeline.
Maybe time itself can lessen the intensity of my grief but maybe I can also take measures to cope with anniversaries, special days and other reminders so that I can continue the healing process. I have been given some pointers to try and overcome these feelings of desperate sadness and here they are:
§ Prepare for episodes of grief.
Knowing that I am going to experience anniversary reactions may help me to understand them and even turn them into opportunities for healing. This was not the case on Saturday but hopefully I can work on this and improve with time.
§ Look for healing opportunities.
I am sure I will find myself dreading upcoming special days, fearful of being overwhelmed by painful memories and emotions. Maybe it will be that the anticipation will prove to be worse than the reality. Hopefully I may find that I can work through some of my grief as I cope with the stress and anxiety of approaching reminders. Only time will tell if the rawness will ever dull
§ Reminiscing with others about the relationship I had with Val.
I have tried to focus on the many good things about the relationship and the times we had together, rather than her sad passing, however it has been very difficult to keep composure sometimes, and the tears still well up during certain topics.
§ Plan a distraction.
I want to take a week away from the local environment once the final matters of attending to the estate have been completed. I plan a visit with friends and relatives.
§ Tune out.
I have limited my exposure to news reports about tragic events so as not to become more anxious, sad or distressed.
§ Connect with others.
I have tried where possible to draw family members and friend’s closer, rather than avoiding them. Being on this site allows me to stay connected to one of my usual support systems and later I may consider joining a bereavement support group like ‘Cruse’.
§ Allow myself to feel sadness and a sense of loss.
I have certainly done my fair share of this, but on occasions have also allowed myself to experience laughter, although I found it was both laughing and crying.
Grief is a universal human experience. Our individual response to grief however may be very different. I personally have found crying to be an important part of the grieving process, but for many people lack of tears doesn't necessarily indicate that the grieving process has gone awry.
The grieving process commands respect by one and all and requires time. Unresolved grief however, can lead to depression and other mental health problems and I am constantly monitoring if I am reaching a healthy resolution to my grief, in case I need to seek professional help that I deserve
