I think I'd like to keep a record on a weekly basis where possible; I like to know where I've been and think about where I'm going.
We learned about Nana's terminal cancer last Friday. It was both a shock and not one, as we knew she was ill and had thought it was one thing until a few days before. When that idea was proved to be wrong I was pretty certain about what was actually going on. We've been told 6-12 months but, as that was the first scan, that's nowhere near set in stone.
This week has been tough. I think we're all still reeling. For unrelated reasons I've been incredibly busy, what with it being Holy Week. It's hard to tell how Nana is feeling, but she's very demanding already, and the day after we got her diagnosis I learned that a friend, who had been told she was in remission only days earlier, had died of a heart attack last Thursday. It was her funeral this Thursday and I couldn't go because of other responsibilities. I think that was the first time I got really angry with it all. I hate the fact that I cry when I'm angry. It makes people soothe me when I'm still too mad to be comforted $-)
I've finally gotten around to formalising her list of medication, when she takes them and what strengths etc. Part of me thinks it would be good to pin it to the wall somewhere, so that whoever's there can keep an eye, but Nana won't have it and keeps it in her bedside table. For now that's a debate to be shelved. I've got "The List" started, a list of things Nana wants to go to certain people but aren't in her will and a list of things she does and doesn't want at her funeral. Part of me is really relieved that she hates the name flower displays, because when my one older cousin was born Nana decided to be called 'Nana' as she thought it would be easy to spell. 3/5 of us call her that but the two youngest call her 'Nanna'. That would have been really difficult because it's not her to me bro and oldest cousin, so I can only assume that younger cousins feel the same about 'Nana'.
This week I've been a grumpy, moaning mess. I looked at myself after the Good Friday service and thought about how I'd turned every conversation back to me and my troubles. Next week I intend to pay more attention to my friends whenever I speak to them. I'll get Nana to church on Easter Sunday, and that will mean a lot to us. I will use this time of year, when Christians celebrate Jesus' triumph, to remind myself of where Nana is going, and of my important role in supporting her spiritually as well as practically/physically.
