because of the nature of things that happened to me, you can read that in another blog somewhere online and why Im not that into Justice or british legal system.
I live with my mum, use to be my 2 dogs...but sadly they now have passed on to rainbow bridge.
I have many challenges I have overcame in my life, so I decided after losing my grandma and mums mum to cancer...and other relatives from this disease,I wasnt going to let cancer beat me.
Ive overcome depression in my life-over bullying at school and home,from my ever loving stepdad- sarcasm becomes me.
A death of someone who was 26 and close to the family, car ancident.
I overcame this, met someone I thought waas great at 17 and went to college to study childcare and community care city and guilds.
Only to have my boyfriend of the time turn out to be a boyfriend from hell
or someone who goes on Jerry springer or the Jeremy kyle show- the usual nightmare ones though.
After having a breakdown through acute glandular fever and trauma, I then ended up with ptsd and eating disorder- compulsive eating and yo-yo diets and agoraphobia.
A few rejections later, from some friends and from family.
Then a few romances that just didnt go well, mainly online thats why !llol
At 27 met someone nice or so i thought, but it didnt last long the relationship.
Then I was alone again,Id lost my grandma before dating this man alot older than me.....had to look after my gran and nurse her till she died.
Got very depressed after this,had no macmillan nurse or any support, and besides my granny refused any help or support for herself or me, she only wanted me to look after her, got some respite from my aunty in Nottingham for some weeks and sometimes mum would help, but she wasnt coping very well with losing her dad and my uncle Stephen her brother, or the possibility of losing her mum.
So I felt alone looking after my granny in my 20s and dealing with agoraphobia and anxiety.
Anyway after many funerals and deaths.......I met someone beautiful in my 30s, he was much younger than me,in his early 20s and yes I can almost hear it now the whole cougar thing, uttered in my ear, we kept our celibacey vows and chaste vows, both born again christians, but he had his problems which I wont divulge here, we got through that, as I had my problems we overcame, then I fount out after getting engaged to him, he decided to finish with me, I finally fount out,he had cancer and he just didnt want me to be involved with him at tall,I tried to still be with him and wanted to be with him while I could be, but nothing I tried - to no avail, he wouldnt allow me to be in his life.
The last I heard, was he died and His family didnt want me at his funeral.
But his sister got in touch and she invited me to see his grave and talked to me and we looked at pictures, then around this time 2 months later my neighboor
loses her little boy, a teenager of 17 and that was upsetting,then my mum gets cancer..........and although I seem to be doing well,I fell to pieces and ended up having a breakdown over it all,Id been overcoming my agoraphobia and it had came back with a vengence...and trauma issues I thought I was over came knocking on my door.
I had to overcome this and recover and heal and then I get into a job and do some training and do some qualifications, with the help of my mother and I overcome my agoraphobia, freedom at last............
For years I cant see myself with anyone,I meet my penfriend at a chinese restaurant where I live,I like .him, but Im not attracted to him, but It seems Im attracted to his smile and personality.....but he dont seem into me, after that much,just snailmailing and texting,but alittle bit less after we met.
So its just good friends..............I seem to lose men anyway, they ither hurt, betray me, cheat on me,or leave me or be a nightmare towards me and give me ptsd and help me get agoraphobia and eating disorders like compulsive eating,or they die on me.
So as for mums cancer,its been so hard going through having to see her have her breast off and go through radiation and chemos and all the pain she is now going through.
So my challenges and wishes,is to meet the one- twinflame- maybe not soulmate,met him already, quiet a few of them......so date for friendship and fun more,till I meet mr right for me...frog prince and then have my longed for child Ive wanted for alongtime and for years and just concentrate on work,career and study,while helping care for mum,be her companion and living in today, not worrying about the future,or living in the past....
this I can see will be some challenge, as Ive already had to overcome and live with alot of challenges.
Am I up to it, hell yes, with my faith, my optomism, belief in angels and into selfhelp and psychology positive psychology vision and into healing and all the strengths and life expereinces Ive picked up along the way and the thick skin Ive picked up,yes whatever happens I know Im going to be ok.
Im never going to be the same again, nothing is ever going to be the same again ...since my trauma me or it -life hasnt anyway, but it will never be the same again at tall, since my mum got cancer and since cancer has touched my life in many different and varying ways......but this is something we all have to live with, LIFE NEVER BEING THE SAME AGAIN!
Fee
