:(

1 minute read time.

FormerMember

28 Jul 2012

I haven't posted on here in what feels like forever. I suppose I've really felt like I've moved on a lot. However, it doesn't take a lot to get dragged back into the cancer nightmare.

I visited a non oncologist doctor this week and he felt something in my abdomen. There are a hundred (very likely) explanations but obviously to be safe I'm going to have a scan.

I don't have the words for how it feels to be back in the exact same place as I was 3 years ago, waiting for scans and results. It is terrifying and upsetting and I feel so frustrated. It's been so hard to move on from ending treatment- to try to get some kind of life back.

Everytime I apply for a job I have the worry that I will relapse, or a potential employer won't look kindly on letting me have time off for my many appointments (if I were to take a holiday for every hospital appointment I have I'd never leave the country!)

I constantly have to explain what has happened to people, I'm still in pain, every single day. I just want to run away from all this, or sleep for until I've had the scan and the results. No one understands that 'I'm sure it will be fine' is not what I want to hear, I don't want to be told that my fears are not legitimate.

I don't want to go through all of that again.

FormerMember over 12 years ago

Oh Pin, I wish I could say something to make it all go away or better. I do understand that feeling. As you say, saying it will be ok doesn't help does it? I get that all the time... 'I'm sure it'll be fine' How do they know? I think its because they don't know what else to say or do.

I had a similar fright last week when i found a lump and am now getting nervous about my next check up. (I am sure its a tag I had growing back, but it still makes me nervous) All I can do is think to myself that whilst I am sure its fine and not the cancer, if it is, I will cope and manage because I did it before. And I guess you will too. The worrying and waiting is the worst and I usually manage to get myself out of the worry by thinking well, if it isn't anything bad then that was a waste of a couple of weeks worrying about nothing and if it is something bad, then I shouldn't be spending these weeks worrying - i should be enjoying myself while I can.

Not sure if that perverse logic makes any sense to you, but its all I've got... apart from a big hug and positive vibes...

Little My x
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FormerMember over 12 years ago

Hi Pin,

saying we all get the collywobbles before tests and appointments doesn't help either, and all we can do is send love and hugs your way and keep everything crossed for you.

I hope it's a false alarm, but better checked than not, otherwise the worry would never go away.

Sending Big Hugs,

Colin
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FormerMember over 12 years ago

Oh boy did this hit home for me Pin!

I have imagined all sorts of things since my last check up nearly 3 months ago and the latest one (just this week) is a strange bump in my stomach, except this is real! I have gained a lot of weight and am hoping that it's simply that BUT .......

I have a scheduled check up with my oncologist this Wednesday, so will see if she thinks it warrants investigation. Fingers crossed for both of us Pin.

Please try not to let Cancer Head consume you, and let me know how you get on.

HUGS

Pam
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