Today marks six months since the end of radiotherapy. Where on earth did the time go?
I still have the mask sitting in my study as a daily reminder of the treatment, it’s not as if I really need anything physical to remind me of what I’ve been through when there are so many other things about me that are constant reminders. I’m tempted to make the mask into a bit of art and fix it to the study wall for all to see!
I’ve previously talked about the physical scars from the operation that I wear with pride, but didn’t talk about the numbness in my face around the jawline and the tingle I get if I touch the scar. All stuff I’m now used to and are becoming part of who I now am.
The feelings in the throat are becoming more normal too. It probably more that I’m just getting used to them. This time six months ago the thought of having a curry, or anything remotely spicy would send a shiver down my spine, but after some serious perseverance I’m up to 90% of my old tolerance to spice. Pity my sense of taste is still AWOL!!!
The other thing I’m getting used to is being able to come to terms with the psychological wounds that I’ve been mending. I’m a pretty robust character who can deal with some pretty nasty stuff (those of you who know my line of work will understand!!), but sometimes I can find myself getting emotional when I talk about my ordeal with people. Generally I’m good and am happy talking about the facts and procedures, but occasionally something triggers me; be it a really heart felt ‘how are you?’ that is not just a mere cordial greeting, or me telling someone that I have been given the all clear (more about that in a sec) and I’m holding back the tears! To be honest those flood gates have to be released now and then. These occasions are nothing to be ashamed of and they’re pretty much inevitable when life events have questioned your mortality. And yes, if I have a teary episode in front of you, a hug is a wonderful way of stemming the flow!!!!
So, the all clear, or in official language from a letter I received after an MRI scan ‘no signs of recurrent or residual cancer’. Some truly wonderful words to be written down and words that I am so grateful to receive, but strangely not words I want to shout from the roof tops! It’s not that I don’t want to be cancer free, far from it, but more that I don’t want to tempt fate. Am I too superstitious? I’ll let you be the judge of that!
I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but a lot of my waffle has been centred on the negative side effects of the treatment, but there have been some positive side effects, obviously the big one is that I’m cancer free (granted, that’s more of an effect than a side effect, and the purpose of the treatment!!) but the other one is my weight loss. Before treatment I was Mr 95kg and whatever I did, I was there or there abouts. Now I’ve been through treatment, I’m Mr 83 kg and all the better for it!! Now, it’s not a weight loss regime I would advocate, but I’ll take it!! So much so I’m running again and running so much more comfortably!! I have a half marathon planned at the end of the month and have just found out that I’ve got a place in the London Marathon in April next year. I’ll be running on behalf of Macmillan cancer support, the host of this blog and such an amazing organisation of passionate and caring people.
So, I’m putting my neck on the line here with this marathon, and I’m well out of my comfort zone, but I guess I’m going to have to just go and prove myself!!
Ps, if you can figure out the link between my last 5 or 6 blog entries and my treatment you can have a gold star and go to the top of the class!!
