With the diagnosis come a number of emotions. Fear is the big one. There are so many things that pop into your head that worry you, rational or irrational, they can affect your ability to get on with normal life. I found being able to concentrate at work was a challenge. No change there I hear you say, but even for me it was a marked difference. In the beginning there were so many unknowns but also a lot of waiting for information. The human brain is so good at many things, but filling the blanks when it comes to health issues is not one of them.
Another emotion is gratitude. I’m so lucky to have the most amazing wife, family and friends. My wife in particular is super human. Not only is she running a busy household with three children and two dogs, she’s holding down a busy job and organising support that we know we’ll need when treatment starts. So many people have offered support, be it an ear to listen or an offer to drive me to radiotherapy. For all of which I am eternally grateful.
Even with all of the positive stories around people with similar types of cancer (what a coincidence that Rhod Gilbert’s documentary about his journey aired just as I got my diagnosis), there will always be that niggle in the back of the mind wondering if I’m going to be the one that makes the stats remain below 100% cure rate. It’s only natural to be scared, emotional, sad and feel a bit shitty. But after a bit of coming to terms with the situation I’ve become a lot more positive and upbeat about it, to many people’s surprise.
I’m quite open about telling people about my diagnosis, which has surprised some people too. I’m not one to hide things and actually find it cathartic to just get it out there. One thing we made a conscious decision about was not to tell the kids about the diagnosis until we had some clarity about the situation.
You will appreciate that the psychological battle began early but the physical battle is still in the planning phase. My local hospital doesn’t treat this type of cancer so I was referred to Addenbrooke’s for onward care.
Intelligence gathering had taken place (see my last blog entry) so we know we’re looking at an HPV related cancer that has only spread to the lymph node next door. A positive (as cancer goes) which means I have options. The normal way to treat tonsil cancer (historically associated with older folk of heavy smoking and drinking tendencies) is to blast it with a high dose of radiotherapy and chemotherapy; however it turns out HPV related cancers are a lot more receptive to the treatment than the old school tonsil cancer. Therefore a clinical trial, which has been running for a few years now, is looking at gaining the clinical evidence to show that surgery and lower dose radiotherapy (possibly without chemotherapy) can be just as good, but without so many hefty side effects. The trail is called Pathos, and it just seems right to go for it!!
So here I am, fully engaged with the process. I’ve met the consultant, McMillan nurses, speech and language therapist, radiographer, and so on and the plan is afoot! The troops are primed with their weapons loaded, now to listen for the command to attack……
