Sigh. Well, I'm back at work in a big way and every day seems to be another big old pile of crap to wade through, it's like being stuck in the middle of treacle lake. We did have a fabulous weekend though, out with friends and family and drinking plenty of lovely red wine and just chillin out. It was wonderful.
A though is not his normal self at the moment. I know, I know that this is only to be expected, after all, he has coped amazingly with all that life has chucked at him over the last few months, but I think it is starting to take its toll. He is what can only be described as "snippy" but if I say anything about it apparently I am being snippy and picky and it's all me (insert another giant sigh just about here). All in all it has know become a situation where i don't want to do bring anything up in case it starts another "discussion" (we don't argue!) that I have neither the heart nor inclination for at the minute. Perhaps it IS me and I am being the mental one and just can't see it - I cannot tell anymore.
The day of the 'oscopy rolls ever closer and I am all too aware of how much that is preying on our minds. I would just love the nice doctors to say that it is nothing and everything is fine and will probably kiss someone if they do but there is always the "what if" wriggling for attention at the back of my brain. Mostly I ignore it. Back to my favourite Winnie the Pooh excerpt, where on an exceptionally blustery day Pooh and a nervous piglet are out for a walk .....
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh.
There's my trouble right there - I am always Piglet in these things, with a desire to try and spot the doom laden possibilities before they occur, even those with the remotest chance of happening. Cancer and I, well we're basically incompatible, ;-) as it takes all your possibles and tries to cast a shadow over them, even if it is just in your head. I am doing as well as I think is possible in not catastrophising over the tests on Thursday but will have to fight hard to qwell the butterflies when we get to the hospital. I am determined that we shall stay on a positive track with all that we have coped with since diagnosis in early July.
Maybe this is just a rough time of year, the leaves are falling, it's colder and darker and nights of skipping round the garden and sitting outside drinking wine are over (unless you have some exceptionally good thermal undies!).
Stay strong
T x
