Well you can say what you want (but it won't change a thing!) - T's Day 85 A.S.

That's how I feel about our fast approaching appointment this afternoon. A and I have been doing lots of talking about it, and I think this is one of the toughest waits yet ...... or is it just that I am utterly crap about the waiting?!?! ;-) Anyway I have told A in no uncertain terms that we are NOT going to be early today, I am not going to sit on one of those puke yellow chairs for half an hour while my stomach does flips and I fight the urge to puke ....... nope, today we're going to be on time and I am going to stand up and walk around til they call us in. It won't make a jot of difference I know but I'm hoping it will make me feel more a master of my own destiny! As for what the news is - well, obviously we will both overjoyed if it's great news and I shall probably do cartwheels of delight all the way home ..... if it's not - then we fight harder, keep on with the wedding plans and just get on with it. Tonight, after the results appointment late afternoon we are going back to our ballroom dancing classes! Some of you may think this is foolhardy, for what if the results are not only bad but really bad?! Well, sod it, personally I can think of nothing better than dancing, whether the news is good or bad - we'll be having a ball and really enjoying ourselves and being ALIVE. That is a good thing.

Meanwhile in wedding news I am pretty much decided on buttercup yellow shoes and sashes. I should perhaps explain a little more about our wedding. Both A and I have been married before, twice - yes, you read that right, between the two of us we notch up an amazing four marriages. A thinks he's doing well with this but seeing as we will be married three weeks before my 40th birthday I think I should get the medal - three marriages by your fortieth is really racking them up!!!! ;-) This was not my intention you understand - I married too young in my youth and then following a brush with death in my twenties (I nearly drowned in the Valancy River in Cornwall) I realised it was not for me. Later I was seduced by an American psychologist when I was in New York ..... he forgot to mention that he was an alcoholic ....... five years later and the ending wasn't pretty! I swore I would never get married again .... what was the point?! I vowed not to get involved like that again and that I was better off and had more fun being on my own ..... and then I met A.

He came into my life, turned it all upside down and stamped on every preconceived idea I had about relationships. He made me look at life in a completely different way and has taught me more about the act of really BEING ALIVE than I could have dreamed of. He is the jam to my buttercream, the sausages to my mash ..... he has made me believe in life, love and JOY! How could I not marry him?! ;-) I enter into our marriage with eyes wide open, fully accepting of our individual flaws and nuances that make us who we are .....but despite these imperfections ... together, well, together we are perfect.

Our wedding then, will not be anyone else's idea of a wedding. As both of us have so compromised in the past, and had very small registry office weddings, we are determined to have a really big party. Because of our beliefs we are having a humanist ceremony where we are free to say what we feel in our vows and basically have a ball. There will be fish and chips, a barn dance and a live swing band ...... no suits or white dresses, frills or flowers in your hair, but freedom to all celebrate life, and love, together. Oh, and, of course, bright yellow shoes!! 

There will be serious bits, and I know I will cry ... in fact, just the thought of standing there looking at A and declaring our love in front of our army of friends and family make me get "window eyes" so I think I need to budget for plenty of boxes of tissues.

What are we doing this morning? Going out to play with our new cameras. We have a big photoshoot at a local school tomorrow - 20 families for portraits, so we want to try out a few new techniques today - for those happy snappers out there I would really recommend Ken Rockwell's site (especially for Nikon owners) as it has loads of excellent stuff on how to change settings and get the best from your pics. 

Well, time to get dressed and go skipping for photos and while away the hours til appointment time. Thank you all for your lovely comments yesterday, I am sure it makes a difference to everyone on this site when they venture out into the world on Big News Days to know that the entirety of Macmillanland is thinking of them.

T x