I didn't write yesterday because all I felt like writing was how tired and miserable I felt. Today is the same, so I thought I would pound the keyboard for a bit and hopefully the pooh feeling will diminish somewhat with some healthy "sharing".
I should mention to those of you who haven't met me that I am something of an overachiever (those of you who have met me will just be nodding quietly in agreement). I like to "fix" everything, "do" everything and above all have everything under control. Currently my life is not like that and it's driving me a little bit crazy. There are a number of issues here, firstly I know that I feel exhausted after only being a carer for a couple of days - the combination of working and work pressures (I'll come to those in a minute) aren't helping and yesterday saw me back at hospital, for me this time, a combination of tiredness and clumsiness seeing me come of worse in an incident concerning me, a shard of glass from something I'd dropped and my left eye - Ow! ;-(
On top of all these things is the lack of planning A and I both made for the coming home from surgery bit. When I think about it, every single moment of the weeks since diagnosis and the surgery were focused on the op itself and what we would do in the run up to it, how we would handle the day, etc, etc. I relate it to people who spend a while year planning their wedding and then the day after the wedding sit and look at each other in a "what now?!" way. I had not thought really about how life would be post op, and how hard it is for both of us. For me, my beloved A is a mostly weary - on occasion a shadow of his usual self and I feel very distant from him - that's hard. I know that this is no-one's fault, it is just something to accept will get better as time goes on and he get's over the surgery and adapts to his new life. He is often snippy and cross and doesn't laugh as easily as normal, and can be cautious and worried and basically all the things he is not usually. Normally we balance each other out you see - he is the chilled out eternal optimist and I am the cautious worried realist. The balance isn't working too well at the moment. We had a row this morning over nothing - well actually over which size bag we would take his stoma stuff in when we went out. A ridiculously stupid thing to have a row over but it was the straw and camel's back reasononing I guess.
Meanwhile, work wise, my big boss is being a complete git at the moment and piling on the pressure. I don't think he appreciates at all that I have not stopped working at all through A's diagnosis and surgery. Even on the days when I have not been able to work in the office I have worked from home and been on call to the studio. Does he realise that I could have just abandoned ship when my doctor suggested he sign me off for an extensive period of time, does he think that I have soldiered on and he should be grateful? No, he doesn't. He thinks that he should know exactly what is going on as he has a "business to run" and is not interested in my "personal issues". Well you know what - tough s*** - if it comes down to a choice between my bloke's health and my job he can take the job and ram it.
The glass incident - yesterday while juggling with a glass, a side plate and a water filter I managed to smash the glass to tiny pieces and a bit flew into my eye. I rang the doctor whose surgery is just up the road from home and they agreed to see me if I could make it in two mins. I ran up the road in the rain to the surgery, only to be told by the doctor that he couldn't see me as he wouldn't be able to check my eye properly and that I needed to go to the hospital. I cried (it has been storing up for a while I fear and this was a bit of news that sent me tumbling over the wibbly lipped precipice). I ran back to the house, made lunch for A while calling nhs direct who said I absolutely had to go to emergency but i couldn't drive myself. Sigh. Luckily when I called my dad's house he was home and drove over to accompany me to A&E, where nice nurses and doctors checked me over then proceeded to turn my eyelids inside out and poke them with metal instruments and cotton buds (honestly, I am eye phobic and was so close to chucking up) then poured orange dye in it and probed around with cameras - they couldn't find the segment but eye surface scratched so I was sent home with some anaesthetic goo in it.
Good things today – A desperately wanted a change of scene and suggested we go to the shops. Lucky for us there is a brilliant shopmobility programme in a near town where you can park up and get in a lift to a free service who will give you either a motorised scooter or a wheelchair with which to stroll around town, so we did that this morning for a while and it was good to get some fresh air. Despite A saying he was fine and not tired, he looked understandably pooped when we got home so is currently napping on the sofa, but we had a good time. Second in my looking positively at today is the fact that I am just about to pop a homemade mixed seed loaf into the oven so in about ten minutes the house will be filled with the lovely smell of baking bread. Lastly on my good things to think about list is the fact that the doyenne of trash TV - the X Factor returns to our screens tonight. Ah, my favourite, especially the really really bad auditions. My personal bad TV heaven.
I am off to bake the bread and make a soothing cup of tea. Tonight hopefully sees veggie spag bol and a large glass of red. Thanks for being the ears (well, eyes) to my venting. Tomorrow is another day. ;-)
T x
FormerMember
You need to start and look after yourself, if your not ok then you wont be anygood to your bloke. Good advice get yoursdelf down to the docs and get a sick note, you are only human and this is a very stressful time for you both.
My husband worked whilst I had surgery and three months post op, but my four sisters looked after me and each had a rota! They even had compassionate leave can you get that? My husband finally jacked his job in as he wanted to look after me, he couldnt hold down a job and be a carer at the same time. I know what you mean about been in control of things and been a fixer, but this scenario in your lives at the moment wont be controlled or fixed quickly! Take time out for your mental health and your physical wellbeing and when you make that decision it will be a relief, you and your bloke can then focus on life post-op. Take care Ruthxx
Hey T - Why not join me on the sick...well not really sick, just stressed and tired - not quite depressed but sometimes maybe a bit mad - list!!! You soon get over the guilt as long as you can let go of the 'who is doing my job and are they doing it as well as I would' thoughts - you'll be fine, less tired, less emotional and less bitter about your vile (excuse me if I'm harsh) boss.
You need to know YOU ARE NORMAL or if you aren't, then I'm not too. Caring is exhausting, mentally and emotionally more than physically. If you feel that everything in your life/man is skewed at the mo, thats OK, I did too - his physical strength, his humour, his voice (damaged in the op), his energy, his mental strength - basically his 'him'. This is just what weeeee notice, imagine being in their bodies and knowing those things about yourself, bless em. You know, when people go in for a heart operation or similar, they have the op then most get better. Cancer isn't like that - they have the op then recover, then the real work starts - no wonder we/they have the physical and emotional rollercoaster of a ride that we do. I wish I could tell you that they things get much better really soon - but for me, it didn't. What I can tell you though, is that you will start with more bad days than good, then good and bad days, then the good will outnumber the bad, then the bad will be few and far between. Feel free to pm me if ever you want to openly swear at the situation (and be prepared for me to swear back!!!).
