I didn't write yesterday because all I felt like writing was how tired and miserable I felt. Today is the same, so I thought I would pound the keyboard for a bit and hopefully the pooh feeling will diminish somewhat with some healthy "sharing".
I should mention to those of you who haven't met me that I am something of an overachiever (those of you who have met me will just be nodding quietly in agreement). I like to "fix" everything, "do" everything and above all have everything under control. Currently my life is not like that and it's driving me a little bit crazy. There are a number of issues here, firstly I know that I feel exhausted after only being a carer for a couple of days - the combination of working and work pressures (I'll come to those in a minute) aren't helping and yesterday saw me back at hospital, for me this time, a combination of tiredness and clumsiness seeing me come of worse in an incident concerning me, a shard of glass from something I'd dropped and my left eye - Ow! ;-(
On top of all these things is the lack of planning A and I both made for the coming home from surgery bit. When I think about it, every single moment of the weeks since diagnosis and the surgery were focused on the op itself and what we would do in the run up to it, how we would handle the day, etc, etc. I relate it to people who spend a while year planning their wedding and then the day after the wedding sit and look at each other in a "what now?!" way. I had not thought really about how life would be post op, and how hard it is for both of us. For me, my beloved A is a mostly weary - on occasion a shadow of his usual self and I feel very distant from him - that's hard. I know that this is no-one's fault, it is just something to accept will get better as time goes on and he get's over the surgery and adapts to his new life. He is often snippy and cross and doesn't laugh as easily as normal, and can be cautious and worried and basically all the things he is not usually. Normally we balance each other out you see - he is the chilled out eternal optimist and I am the cautious worried realist. The balance isn't working too well at the moment. We had a row this morning over nothing - well actually over which size bag we would take his stoma stuff in when we went out. A ridiculously stupid thing to have a row over but it was the straw and camel's back reasononing I guess.
Meanwhile, work wise, my big boss is being a complete git at the moment and piling on the pressure. I don't think he appreciates at all that I have not stopped working at all through A's diagnosis and surgery. Even on the days when I have not been able to work in the office I have worked from home and been on call to the studio. Does he realise that I could have just abandoned ship when my doctor suggested he sign me off for an extensive period of time, does he think that I have soldiered on and he should be grateful? No, he doesn't. He thinks that he should know exactly what is going on as he has a "business to run" and is not interested in my "personal issues". Well you know what - tough s*** - if it comes down to a choice between my bloke's health and my job he can take the job and ram it.
The glass incident - yesterday while juggling with a glass, a side plate and a water filter I managed to smash the glass to tiny pieces and a bit flew into my eye. I rang the doctor whose surgery is just up the road from home and they agreed to see me if I could make it in two mins. I ran up the road in the rain to the surgery, only to be told by the doctor that he couldn't see me as he wouldn't be able to check my eye properly and that I needed to go to the hospital. I cried (it has been storing up for a while I fear and this was a bit of news that sent me tumbling over the wibbly lipped precipice). I ran back to the house, made lunch for A while calling nhs direct who said I absolutely had to go to emergency but i couldn't drive myself. Sigh. Luckily when I called my dad's house he was home and drove over to accompany me to A&E, where nice nurses and doctors checked me over then proceeded to turn my eyelids inside out and poke them with metal instruments and cotton buds (honestly, I am eye phobic and was so close to chucking up) then poured orange dye in it and probed around with cameras - they couldn't find the segment but eye surface scratched so I was sent home with some anaesthetic goo in it.
Good things today – A desperately wanted a change of scene and suggested we go to the shops. Lucky for us there is a brilliant shopmobility programme in a near town where you can park up and get in a lift to a free service who will give you either a motorised scooter or a wheelchair with which to stroll around town, so we did that this morning for a while and it was good to get some fresh air. Despite A saying he was fine and not tired, he looked understandably pooped when we got home so is currently napping on the sofa, but we had a good time. Second in my looking positively at today is the fact that I am just about to pop a homemade mixed seed loaf into the oven so in about ten minutes the house will be filled with the lovely smell of baking bread. Lastly on my good things to think about list is the fact that the doyenne of trash TV - the X Factor returns to our screens tonight. Ah, my favourite, especially the really really bad auditions. My personal bad TV heaven.
I am off to bake the bread and make a soothing cup of tea. Tonight hopefully sees veggie spag bol and a large glass of red. Thanks for being the ears (well, eyes) to my venting. Tomorrow is another day. ;-)
T x
FormerMember
I'm not surprised you're tired. We (patients) come home from hospital and have to take it easy and relax while everyone around us rush around like blue a**ed flies. We're also bad tempered because we can't do all the normal things we did a week or so earlier and we get frustrated. Who do we take it out on? Yes, the very people who are doing their best to take good care of us! I know I was being short tempered at times, but it wasn't really aimed at my beloved, I was just so fed up not being able to fill up the kettle and make a cup of tea, getting out the hoover, being able to drive myself to the shops aaaaaaaaaaaaaah, I remember it well. Thankfully this is short lived as recovery progresses. Now I can do anything, but the chemo starts next week so the 'nice, mild-mannered' Angela might disappear again!!
Enjoy the spag bol, red wine and fresh bread tonight...........sounds delicious.
Stop trying to be superwoman - you are not getting a medal for it (obviously) so why bother !! We sometimes have to look at our priorities and reassess - from the outside looking in to me it seems obvious but I am sure it is very complicated and you know best - but stress is the last thing that you need at this time and yes, caring full time for someone is very demanding and tiring. I hope things improve somehow. Think about this, if the carer aint cared for properly - who looks after the patient??? Love and hugs to you both, Jools xxx
You'll probably find that things do slip into a routine of sorts soon but you and A need the space to adjust and getting an arsey boss off your back sounds like the perfect solution to me!
Your description of yourself and A balancing sounds like us - you're like P, my OH and I'm the laid-back one! I've found myself cutting through The List and prioritising stuff for him - whether he does things my way or not, it helps to realise that not everything <em>needs</em> to be done today! Likewise, I've been a bit 'snippy' at times (not often thankfully) - usually out of frustration at not being able to go somewhere or temperature-taking or even if he suggests I should go to bed cos it's late! There've also been a couple of times when I've disagreed with him just for the hell of it - to get fired up at something. Totally unfair, I know, but fortunately we both recognise it now and also why (only a couple of times tho, lol).
I know it's hard to 'let go' for a while but please think about it even if tomorrow is a bit better...
I couldn't agree more with what's been said - you need to look after yourself! Andrew is doing brilliantly well, and I'm sure can manage on his own for 2-3 hours so that you can get some rest (think of those of us who had to cope after an operation because we live alone). It really is important that you make sure you get some time to yourself. He's getting stronger every day - and I'm sure the snippiness is a sign he's making progress!
Your boss sounds like an ungrateful s*d - it might be quite therapeutic for you to tell him you need time off, although if you want to return to work it might be advisable not to tell him precisely what you think! I have every sympathy with your poor eye - I scratched my eyeball a few years ago and can remember how incredibly painful it was.
