Things have been a bit odd round here the last week or two. What happened to me? I had a bit of a falling apart. It was weird actually, as I thought I was doing A okay until A went back into hospital with his infection, and then I gradually lost the plot. Crunch day came on the penultimate day of A's hospital stay, when he was starting to look more like someone who was alive and had got his sense of humour back. A lovely friend had offered to pick me up and drive me to the hospital, then come back after a couple of hours of visiting and then take me to dinner on the way home. Great! I said I needed to post a couple of things, go to the bank and pop into work on the way ...... which she said was no problem. Except .... it turned out to be a problem. I was all over the place basically, went to the bank having checked ten times for the piece of paper I needed in the car, did the paperwork and went to the office to post the important piece of paper which I couldn't find (because I had left it all on the side in the bank!) and it pretty much went downhill from there. I felt really trippy during visiting hours with A and then my lovely friend took me to dinner. She happens to be a nurse too, so when she lectures you on, "You need to stop, because you are on the edge.", you actually listen. She was right.
The next morning I went to see the doctor like a good girl and was told I needed rest. Now she may well have said this after fearing for my sanity after asking me the question, "So, how ARE you?" and then having her seemingly rational patient dissolve into hysterical sobs ..... upshot was I was signed off ..... for at least a week until review. It was an odd week as I am somewhat work driven and I still find it odd to do "nothing" during the day, but am slowly learning how to relax. It's good to spend time with A on his path to post op recovery and we have both been sleeping 10-12 hours a day and going for walks and good things. I saw the doctor again this Friday and have now been signed off for another week.
Meanwhile, A is doing well, his arms which looked like bits of cotton poking out from his shirts just a week ago are gradually gaining flesh by the day, his sunken cheeks are filling out and he has been seen by the renal specialist and has been told his kidney function returned to normal. Good news. However, life being life, amidst all this relaxation and getting better there is a fly in the health ointment. A received a phone call at the end of last week from his specialist Macmillan Uro-oncology nurse ....." Yes, your consultant is referring you to another specialist. When they did the CT scan to check for infection pockets at the hospital they found something else - a thickening or inflammation of the duodenum, so we are referring you to the Gastrology specialist." Hmmm, now I know that currently I am meant to not be over-reacting to this news, but secretly I am worried (not so secretly now I've written it on here but there we are).
What I am learning about cancer is that it is an insidious disease ..... it is not the actual tumours or cancer itself that causes the most worry, it is the idea that it is always trying to come back, and hopefully this inflammation of the duodenum will be something entirely different and not worrying or anything to do with stray cancer cells but that thought isn't going away - from headaches to back aches and everything in between the thought goes through your head of "is this related?" "is it back already?". Now here is the difficult bit, it is tempting to live life with caution, waiting to do things to the next scan, the next investigation, another three months with an all clear but that would let the cancer win and that is NOT going to happen. So, it is with optimism and hope in our hearts that we have picked our wedding day .... Easter Saturday, time of new starts, new life and hope eternal. We will be there with daffodils and a barn dance, ragrdless of what life throws at us in the interim ...... and that makes me smile.
It's good to be back, I could grumble at the site (text way too small for comfy reading, slow to load, can't find anything etc) but truth is it is good to be back! ;-)
Hugs
T x
