It was a slow day today all in all. The physio ladies did, as promised, haul A to his feet and let him stand today, not for very long and then he sat in his chair for an hour (a change of scenery) before they promptly returned him to bed. And he was utterly exhausted by it all. Today there is a weariness in him that wasn't there before - not surprising, really, given all that his body has endured in the last 48 hours. Overall, however, they are still pleased with his progress and have upped his protein drink allowance, now double on the hour what he was having yesterday. This is to encourage "movement" through his digestive system. Well, there has been a little "movement", and as wise Mike on the Bike predicted, although it presented itself as air if was a little more liquid in nature! ;-)
Despite this A remains upbeat which is more than can be said for me today. I had a really long lie in and got lots of sleep last night, so should have been on good form. Yet, this morning, when I had three idle hours before I went to a friends house for lunch I just couldn't motivate myself to do anything, I just wanted to curl into a little ball on the sofa and stay there. I did manage to drag myself out for my lunch date with the lovely Y and her daughter and we had yummy food, cups of tea and lots of gossip and I felt more myself. Bless her, this wonderful friend of ours then took it upon herself to do several loads of washing and ironing for me - which given the stupid hours I am currently keeping makes a world of difference. So it was a lovely afternoon. I got to the hospital around five, A had been entertained for a couple of hours by his son and son's girlfriend, and when it was just the two of us we settled down for some quiet time. A napped and I held his hand and read my book and all too soon it was home time.
Perhaps it is coming home to an empty house that sees a tide of melancholy wash over me - I'm really not sure, but tonight I feel quite low. Bed beckons, and hopefully another lie in tomorrow morning will see me a little perkier - I do hope so. Maybe I just have post operation blahs myself? Then I feel really guilty for being so bloody self absorbed. After all, my fiancé lies in a hospital bed having just had a major organ removed and other vitals rearranged and is coming to terms with what cancer will mean to him - which makes me want to shake myself and stop feeling so stupidly down. After all, I'm not the one with cancer. Sigh. I need to get a grip - and some sleep.
Til tomorrow and apologies for being a doom fairy
Gloomy T x
FormerMember
I used to feel the same way when loggy was in hospital, I was Ok while with him but felt really deflated when I got home and I wasn't on my own as my 3 son's were there.
I've Iearnt for myself and from reading others experience's on here that we do feel these down's. Its not self absorbtion, your emotions are going through the wringer T, infact more than A's on operation day as he was unaware of the waiting. God that was the longest day of my life, hospital at 6am to speak to him before his voice changed forever, left him at theatre doors at 8am Surgeon rang to say just finished and all gone well at 7.05pm saw loggy in ICU for 5 minutes at 9pm. Loggy can't remember the rest of that day after he got into the theatre. I wore a track from the living room to the kitchen. It's you running backwards and forwards to the hospital, you having to remember to eat, you going to work. You worrying yourself silly about how you will find him as you enter the hospital each day. Yes you have got post operation blahs and you are allowed them so don't feel guilty, don't beat yourself up, You also are coming to terms with what A's cancer will mean to you also.
Carers and family members suffer as much as the sufferer, in different ways of course but as Shelley has said, you have every right to feel as you do and hope you feel better for off loading on this amazing site. Guilt is a painful feeling, hope you had a good night's sleep and are feeling more like your upbeat self today, if not - you don't need to worry about it, take each day as it comes. There will be a mixture of good and not so good. Wishing Andrew a continued speedy recovery and hoping that you get all the support you need too. Take care, Lynne xx
I expect you are feeling a little lost at the moment. There's been the big build up to this major surgery and all the nail-biting you must have been doing and now it's the slow path to recovery. What you are feeling is quite understandable and perfectly normal. Please give our best wishes to Andrew and be kind to yourself too!
Hey. Just wanted to send you and e-hug. Know exactly how you are feeling at the mo - my man had an oesophagectomy 6 weeks ago - was hideous time and I felt myself wishing the days away. I felt exactly like you did T, its a Big Slap in The Face of the fact that Andrew has cancer and that your lives really are gonna change for the foreseeable future!!! I became a bit reclusive post-op for a while (just coming out of it now), don't feel guilty if you want to curl into a ball, its normal. We are also allowed to feel sorry for ourselves just a little bit too (I have only just realised this having read the Macmillan leaflets!) - our lives as lovers, partners have/are going to change just as much as theirs. YOU ARE NORMAL!!!!!!!! It will pass, I promise - you'll have good days and bad days just like him, then all of a sudden the good days will outnumber the bad and life will start to normalise and you'll see/feel improvements day by day by day. Just to make you feel better - David's operation is 2nd in size only to transplant surgery, it was as I said 6 weeks ago ... Today we went out on our Harley bikes for a 40 minute ride to a lake, sunbathed and paddled about for 4 hours, then rode back. Life gets better see. Big love to you, hope you are feeling better. Juliex xx
Oh course you are feeling a bit down, you ha ve both been such a lot in recent weeks and your darling A isn't there... you're allowed tobe a doom fairy. That empty house syndrome is awful, even where there is loads to do.
