Well, who would have thought me writing a blog.. mind you who would have thought a lot of things.....!
Finished treatment and waiting and waiting now (another 2 weeks to go) for my gorgeous consultant (and boy, is he gorgeous!) to stick his finger up where the sun don't shine and see if he can feel anything. Such advanced science! Then another month for a scan.... then??
I guess normally I am one of the silly irreverent ones, but some days things go round and round in your head- I don't want to spoil the fun I'm having in the forums so thought it might help to get off my chest here! Thinking how sad is that right now, and wondering what people will think if they actually read it...and wouldn't I be better doing it in a book in private, but hey ho what the hell...
3 things I am struggling with...
1. is this weird lack of confidence, lonely thing. Crept up on me from behind that one.. where does that come from??? what happens there??
I have only popped in to work a couple of times since Easter to say hi etc. Have some great colleagues so lovely to see them, but I am head of a dept of awful ones who disagree with everything I try to get them to do. They have unpicked most of what I set up whilst away (!!) and not spoken to me really since I went off -and now tomorrow I have been asked to go in for a meeting with them to work out stuff for the new term. Normally I would go in guns blazing and fighting but feel terrified and not sure I can cope with arguing with them at all. I am questioning all my ideas and worrying about it so much. I guess I am still suffering post treatment and shouldn't be so hard on myself. Part of me wants to just hide under the covers and not go in and part of me wants to go in singing and show them I am still alive and things will change. One colleauge has sort of taken on my role in my absence, which I guess is fine as someone had to, but now I'm thinking lay off that's my territory and wondering if they are doing me out of a job somehow, but don't have the confidence to say any of it- which is probably a good thing as I guess a lot of it is irrational.... plus of course I am still officially "getting fit to work"
Its a bit of a mad one really...needing to feel wanted and needed and expecting to do your job but also off sick and wanting someone else to do it for you and wishing they would cut you some slack.. bonkers! So, I would be sh*tting myself about tomorrow if I could. What's the equivalent for me... filling a few bags ha ha like that one!! Anyway, I know this must sound mad but I swing from thinking I can take on the world and fingers up to everything to feeling very small and unconfident. Think I need to force myself to go to it and put on a brave face and try not to cry and try saying "Oh really" instead of "f*** off" and try not to walk out in tears... hmm will let you know which way it goes...any funny advice to get me through that one gratefully received...
2. Finished treatment and assumed right, back to work, booked my holiday, signed up for a course next year etc etc. when they say 2 months to feel ok a year to back to normal, my brain goes... 1 week to feel ok, 2 months back to normal...and then get surprised when I get a bit down or knackered! I feel a whimp not doing stuff but then someone says have you thought of going back part time in September and I think Oh dear, I'm being over ambitious again and better not do anything, then go the other way and do too much cos I feel ok now sitting on my sofa! Then thought yesterday (durr) that maybe it won't have gone and might come back and then remembered about the "inconclusive liver lesions" that they will keep checking.... can't decide whether I should just keep assuming all is ok or whether it is realistic to brace myself for it coming back or spreading or not gone..or is that considered pessimistic? everyone else seems to talk about stages and outlooks and I never asked any of that and they never said anything except it was still inconclusive about the lymphs and the liver and they would deal with the tumour and keep scanning the liver.I think they zapped the lymphs while they were at it. So being me I thought ok and forgot all about the liver.... anyone know about this- how often does inconclusive become conclusive or not? won't be scared at all, would rather know ... Onc just said this is the start of a process when I finished treatment.... don't really know statistics etc. Anal cancer seems to be quite rare so not a lot of people to ask. Of course I would prefer it to have gone, but won't be devastated if it hasn't- too pragmatic for that... just can't decide which way I should be thinking and do I warn family/work etc that I might not be ok? Seems unduly pessimistic to think that it hasn't gone, but maybe that should be the realistic way to be but then oh I DON'T KNOW!
Sorry- you can see why I need to get this out of my head...I think its harder now as during my treatment I saw friends everyday for lifts etc and they told me whats what, now its finished and its the holidays, they've all gone and aren't doing the extra coffees etc as they are assuming I'm ok now and leaving me to 'rest' and move house (!!) and I'm left with this Alice in Wonderland world of making you better means making you worse and stopping you sleeping and eating and giving you loads of long term side effects to deal with and then we won't tell you whether its worked or not but if you are still here in 5yrs time then we can assume it has! and I wonder why my head is a bit confused some days...
3. ha ha ha I've forgotten what it was! Oh remembered...
Its just that... damn, had a swig of coffee and forgot again !!(another weird side effect- turned into a jelly head!)
Never mind, I guess no one got this far anyway ha ha
Feel a bit pathetic and want to give myself a good slap when I read some of your tales...and just re-read what I wrote and thought stupid girl why are you so bothered about a stupid little meeting at work etc have you not learnt anything through this etc etc so feel free to send me a virtual slap!
Sorry for inflicting this rambling silly rant on you if you got this far (gold medal- do you need reviving?? smelling salts? coffee? cake? happy to make you coffee - not cake I'm rubbish at baking)...hopefully back to silly later
Little My
