Hi there, I see Toothbrush just managed to look after you yesterday. Sorry about the sherry... he does have his standards you know and I can’t persuade him otherwise. but at least hopefully you all had a breather and caught up...
I think nearly every single one of you on this site will be with me on this one, (unless you thought it was a Scottish clan gathering website by mistake...then you are probably very bemused by now and in need of therapy...) and that is we are never satisfied and whichever god/deity/pixie/ we might pray to, they must be sitting there thinking “Yeah right! Heard that before...” when we say stuff like ‘Please can I just live a bit longer? That’s all I want...promise....’
So, it becomes like that alphabet memory game of I went to market and bought...
All I want is to live a bit longer... and then all I want is to live a bit longer and see my son again and be able to go to Sweden.... and then all I want is to live a bit longer, see my son again, go to Sweden and for the house sale to go back through..and now all I want is...well, you get the idea...
I want the house sale to be through NOW and I want a date to move NOW and I want GC to tell me it’s GONE and is never coming back... and I want to go to Sweden and... and... you get the idea...
And the little pixie up there is saying Yeah, right again.... greedy cow...
So, as you can probably tell, waiting for any news of this house sale is just completely doing my nut in as is waiting for the impending GC appointment, and although I joke about rolos and all that, I am actually ‘filling my bags’ about it.... even though I know he won’t be able to say anything much one way or the other at this stage (except maybe, “A rolo? oh, you shouldn’t have”) and I will just have to go on waiting for another month for the big scary scan that might well say something... (sorry, Madge and Shaz... too fast... and breathe...)
So I think I can’t sit around all day waiting for the phone to ring and for Friday to come, so decide to hell with the no energy, no breathing business... I will take some rubbish to the tip in anticipation that we might move house before hell freezes over... and then pop into town to buy some bits and pieces and kill a bit of time... assuming I can still breathe after the first part!
Think I had better phone the garage first and tell them the warning light has come on in case it might blow up or something and I wouldn’t want to disappoint GC after all our preparations...
Is it orange or red he says? What?? I say, Orange or red?? Yes, what colour... You mean I actually have a car that does different coloured warning lights? How cool is that?? Pardon? Oh sorry, how the hell do I know... I didn’t know you could get different colours.. wow! Sorry, I’d better go and look and come back.. puff, pant, vroom... oh... puff pant... Hi, back.. orange.... -What does that mean? Oh just means you need to bring it in... you can drive it for now and I’ll book it in for Monday. What happens if it goes red I ask? You need to bring it in he says.. hmm so what’s the difference there? Never mind, I have a car with different coloured warning lights and how cool is that?
Loo, fag, tea, Tena/tenor, whiskey, oxygen break.....
Load the car up and off to the tip. Vroom.!. oh no, that’s a bit too loud... I think there is a hole in the exhaust pipe as well now...!! Sound like a formula one driver... Life, eh? Huh! Well at least they will hear me coming! Now you can guess how out of breath I am when I get there and there are 2 cars in front of me... one old lady at the front and then a young man ... Old lady turns round and looks imploringly at us to help her with her big bag of garden waste...including rose prunings... (Rose prunings? Isn’t that my job?? Cheeky cow, nicking my job just as I was getting good at it) Bloke shrugs his shoulders and lifts up his arm in a plaster cast so she turns to me... what do I do, cos although I dooo look so well... I am too out of breath to lift my own bags never mind hers...and was hoping the tip man would do mine for me, but he’s nowhere to be seen and I don’t want the cancer tumbleweed moment... and what do you say anyway? Sorry, I've got cancer.. err don't think so... so, you guessed it, as I ahve been promoted to rubbish collector anyway, I just go over and help her and then lift all mine in too and scowl at the bloke with a cast who is merrily chucking his stuff one handed in as if it were made of feathers.. . and just thought... Karma for you mate... you’ll come back as a rolo and I will take great delight in sticking you somewhere..... ! Too out of breath to think of anything savage or witty to say to him and old lady gives me such a nice smile....
Drive into town and after a sit by the river to get my breath back, and watching the Little My of the duck world dashing around...which was very funny... I pop into the supermarket. I am worried they are going to have me sectioned soon... or banned... one or the other....start off getting toothpaste.. which of course starts me thinking about Toothbrush and sets me sniggering to myself plus for some reason today (rather like Madge yesterday) my 2nd uncouth tum bum has decided it is going to fart really loudly all afternoon (and I didn’t even have any coke! not fair!) so I am sniggering to myself and parping like a whoopee cushion and a few people are starting to look at me... then the next isle is the chocolate one so now I am sniggering out loud looking at the Kinder eggs and parping and people are starting to look more and I’m thinking I haven’t seen any rolos in a while and wonder if they still make them...parp... snigger... and then I get to the checkout and there are the magazines and OK is there and and that has me snorting really loudly now with the thought of Little Pube tribute issue and everyone in the queue is looking at me and I am wishing I had someone with me so I could pretend I was laughing with them... so I try to keep a straight face at the checkout and pay.. parp... and the checkout girl is giving me that look of I know you just trumped but I am pretending I didn't hear it andi can see her looking at my belly as bit bemused.. so I pay and then run for the car.. (actually that was artistic license.. I didn't run, I walked...can't run yet)VROOM .. more people looking now and think maybe it’s just safer if I just stay indoors tomorrow.... It’s all your fault you know! I didn't used to snigger in the supermarket till I met you lot....
Good job they have forecast rain for tomorrow.
So, as Toothbrush was a little stuffy yesterday, the bar is open, tuck box re-stocked and the fag machine filled... (I’m afraid the drugs cabinet is a little low after yesterday’s shenanigans)
Place your orders below...
And a double for StevieC cos its his birthday! Happy Birthday, Steve.. if you are reading... the big 50! well done! (see,told you... no rude age jokes at all!)
And a double for Sunny cos she's starting her chemo tomorrow
And a double for Madge cos she's knackered..
Actually, doubles all round or we'll be here all night!
Little Myxxx
