Well I managed to go and conduct my training session, I called the hospital when I left Aberdeen and then again when I got to Elgin to check he was ok, the nurse told me he had quite a night they had to get someone to sit with him as he was so agitated he managed to take his iv line out so it is now bandaged up so he cant get to it. He was a lot brighter when I went in tonight, I made myself ill worrying that he would be in the same state again but he was sitting up in the bed he doesnt have the catheter in anymore and they are letting him eat slowly, he was babbling away and saying stuff that we had no clue what he was saying we just had to humour him. He seems now to think that because I work for the NHS I can magic a bed in the hospice for him, I have manged to get him to the top of the waiting list we just need to wait for a bed. He was saying to me 'you go to work tomorrow morning love and you call them and then call me and tell me when to be ready for.' I had to explain to him several times that it might take a few day for the bed to be there for him. My husband said me and dad was having to different conversations tonight. Its hard to see him like this he was never like this. I feel so guilty when I have to leave, like tonight I stayed for just under a hour but we was just going round and round in circles and he started showing signs that he was sleepy, I just hate leaving I know I should be getting all the time in I can with him so I am just constantly guilty that I am not there all the time spending what time I have left with him and scared that the regret burns in me after he goes. Just one vicious circle. Mum says I should take the day off on Sunday and just spend time at home before I have to go to Livingston on Monday but I feel awful for even contemplating not going in on Sunday. Mum is now asking if the hospital know what is making him so confused I try to explain it is just the cancer, she thinks that now he has rallied a bit that he is not in the final stage, I try to explain that he is still in the final stage it just was not as bad as it was at the weekend but that something had changed because he is now on the same medication he was on this time last week I just keep on saying we are on a roller coaster and its going to be full of ups and downs.
