hmmmmmmmmmmmm!

2 minute read time.

FormerMember

26 May 2010

Feeling very confused today. Off to the hospital to see my surgeon to check on the progress of my WLE hoping he will take down my dressings. Currently Inadine, gauze,wool, 2 K-lite bandages and double tubigrip - HOT HOT HOT!! My skin underneath all that is very dry and flaky and I cant wait to get the foot spa out!! Oh I can barely remember the joy of standing under the shower without having to balance 1 leg over the side of the bath :) Have had my shower proof dressings delivered today so hopefully a 2 legged shower is in sight!!

Still weighing up the pros and cons of this Avistan trail - of course any sane person living with MM would jump at the chance but thats just my problem at the moment i dont feel sane or positive or strong. Its 6 weeks (tomorrow) post op still drugged up on painkillers, not driving, not working and i so long to feel like me again. I want to do the school run, shop in Asda, stand and do the ironing ( all mundane thinks I know) but they are part of my everyday life and I want them back! I want to go to work and have a laugh with all my regulars and the girls i work with (I am a Cashier in Wilkinsons) and be part of it all again. I dont know what to do - any comments greatly appreciated. Am i just feeling sorry for my self??

I am lucky that the MM was caught early and hadnt spread and they got everything in my WLE and i havent really had any problems or pain except the struggle I have had with my thoughts and emotions. I hated being in hospital so far away from home for so long (1 1/2 hour drive and 6 day stay) I have hated all the hospital visits and medical jargon but it has all been to my benefit so why dont I feel more positive. I want to get to that place where I have fight and strength and confidence and want to fight this thing head on - get me there please!! I also feel like a walking timebomb - where and when is it gonna pop up again???

Sorry to ramble on but it is so much easier to put it all on here than talk about it face to face sometimes because I just end up crying :(

Hope everyone is well today and enjoying the dry weather

FormerMember over 14 years ago

Dear Liz, just read your blog and identify with everything you have said - those hot moments are a nuiscance but they do pass after a few moments of taking stock. Yes, it. can feel overwhelming when everyone looks and worries - they care that's why. I also know how it feels to not let this bloody ca. get the better of you so 10/10 and keep doing what you enjoy girl, otherwise what's the point if you can't enjoy yourself - every day is a bonus we just have the odd blips, get over them and move on. Oh, I have just seen your grandson Corey and if his smile doesn'e melt a thousand faces and make us realise why were all here I don't know what. He's absolutely gorgeous. Keep on ranting Liz its what Macs for and get living girl. Ann
- Cancel
- Up 0 Down
- Reply
- More
- Cancel
FormerMember over 14 years ago

Sorry, tabitha, the prev. blog was for LizG. I really need to know how to use this site. Maybe one day.

Anyway, have read your diary and know exactly where you are coming from wanting to get back to normal!. Try to accept that today you're having bad day and do something just for yourself. These feelings do pass and you do learn to take each day at a time as you really have no choice - we all have an inner strength and you are already getting there - its just the battle is fierce for you right now. I too have felt like you and you have a right to be angry - us mums are usually indispensable. Hope you find something nice to do just for you - even if its eating a gigantic cake and reading a magazine - just something nice. Oh, and we are all walking time bombs - its just ca. makes us more aware of it.

God bless, be kind to yourself, you will get there one day. Ann
- Cancel
- Up 0 Down
- Reply
- More
- Cancel
FormerMember over 14 years ago

It will all come again girl, I promise! The washing, the ironing, the shopping and even the school run. Life will resume, as normal as it can be, in due course. Having said that, you will be different and you will look at life in a whole new way. You will get over this feeling of being out of control but I am afraid most probably paranoia will be with you for a long time to come yet

Don't be in to much of a hurry to get back to work, take some "me" time and try to unwind, heal and become yourself again.

Positivity will again raise it's head and the good days will soon outweigh the bad ones.

Hang in there and take care

Barb xx
- Cancel
- Up 0 Down
- Reply
- More
- Cancel
FormerMember over 14 years ago

I can only re-iterate everything Ann & Barb have said Tabitha. One day at a time & you will get stronger, both in body & mind. All the mundane daily chores will soon be back to normal, it's just the thoughts swirling around your head as you do the ironing or walk around Asda that will be different. The brain is a wonderful machine & can compartmentalise things for you - eventually the fearful thoughts will be pushed more & more to the back of your head so you can start to enjoy life again. OK we can't totally get away from what has happened & we can't know what the future holds in store, but who does? By voicing your fears on this site you are already starting to find strength within yourself to cope. So don't be frightened of being frightened & take some 'me' time - cos when you are back to fighting fitness I'm sure your family won't give you time to yourself anymore!

Love & best wishes, Angie x
- Cancel
- Up 0 Down
- Reply
- More
- Cancel
FormerMember over 14 years ago

Hi Tabitha,

Sounds like you have every right to be feeling sorry for yourself - still cocooned in dressings after 6 weeks. My consultant was keen for me to let mine breathe ASAP and, although I was dubious, it's looking so much better. If you have the stomach for it check out the pics on my blog which is 4 weeks since surgery. I would be interested to compare notes if you're up for it. Email me. I still get "down" days, we all do. It'll get easier. Take care.

CDxx
- Cancel
- Up 0 Down
- Reply
- More
- Cancel