Hello all I have been around the site for a long time now, about 18 months. Mum's cancer journey has been considerably longer she is suffering from bowel cancer had half removed, a stoma for a while then had that reversed. After chemo and the all clear for a while it came back on her liver, another op had a third removed, more chemo. Then back it came, it's now on her lungs and in her lymph nodes and we were told it is terminal about 18 months ago.
Well to say that time has been a rollercoaster would be an understatement through all of this she has fought and fought and at times has been so unwell. But Christmas was a real eye opener she has been plodding along really but over Christmas all the family realised how unwell she really is now. She is tired, lethargic, has little appetite and a really bad cough. It was a shock as she tried to carry on as normal but failed and we had to persuade her to give in and sit down. She looked defeated and there was such a finality about the whole thing as we kind of all knew that she was not going to cope with doing her much loved family gathering again. God this sounds depressing I know, but this is how it is.
So why after all this time around the site did I decide to start blogging now, quite simply I feel we have entered a new chapter and felt I needed it now. I have been very tearful since leaving Mum's on Sunday and today I cracked in front of a room full of people! Those who know me, will know that I am a (mature!!) student nurse, I qualify in September (well that's the plan!). In the middle of a tutor group today we were asked to recall experiences from our last practice placement, some of the guys have been in the community and dealt with a lot of palliative care. The over arching theme seemed to be how hard it was to see family and carers so upset after the event. At this point I cut in and said I was having trouble with the conversation, burst into tears and ran out of the room. Well that is it I have finally cracked up publicly in front of all of my friends, I felt such a fool. It doesn't matter how much people tell you it's ok and these should be people who understand, I still feel like a fool.
Ok so here we go today was the last straw and I need an avenue to vent from time to time. I know there will still be good times and I plan to share those too, welcome to my blog.
