So my 25 yr old sister, claire, got dx'ed with cervical cancer about 6 weeks ago. the worst thing was, i was in australia at the time.
me and my gf went to see my sister after i landed.
i cannot understand what claire is going through. 25 is so young, you don't think it is going to happen. you get a letter saying you have abnormal cells but everyone says 'oh it'll be fine, i had that and they just did the loop on me and i was fine'. my gf's sister also came back with abnormal cells but she needed the loop and she was fine.
i guess i have been feeling totally pressured. but i feel like such a selfish bitch :( my sister has cancer ffs and im thinking of me.
claire lives in liverpool, where we are from originally but i live in wales, about 2 hours away from claires.
claire has a 10 year old daughter, she had her when she was 14. when people ask me 'does claire have kids' and i reply 'yes' its like the fact that claire needs a radical hysterectomy isnt as bad - she already has kids, whats the problem? the hysterectomy will get rid of the cancer, so whats the problem?
my life has revolved round cancer since i came back. my sister calling, texting 20 times a day, making sure i am defo going to see her, be there when she is in hospital etc. she is like this anyway, paranoid when we make arrangememnts that the plans wont happen but its affecting me more atm. i cant be as 'firm' with her as i normally would be because she is sick. so i am constantly trying to reassure her which doesnt work. we dont have any other family, we were brought up in care so it is just me and her. we have worked hard on building our relationship because we didnt live together as children. we both have had problems.
i feel so guilty for all the times i have 'hurt' myself, suicide attempts. this hasnt happened in well over a yr, i am healing, on my journey. but still i feel guilty. here is a girl, wanting to live and there was me playing russian roulette with my life.
claire is booked in for surgery ina couple of weeks. she will have her womb removed plus the lymphs in her groin. she is totally unaware of the pain she is going to be in, the healing time. she is all like 'oh im healthy (er no, u have cancer) ill heal fine, ill be up and about'...the docs and nurses and the macmillan nurse have told her she is going to be laid up for a good while, plus the emotional implications but claire thinks differently. im so worried because she has asked me just to stay for the wkend - i doubt she will even be out of hospital. and i cant just stay on a whim, i ave commitments - am i being totally selfish? i want my gf to come with me for moral support for me but we have the animals as well, i attend college and i volunteer for both samaritans and childline.
cancer is all i am thinking about atm. its there all the time and it makes me feel horrible.
please, i know i have the better end of the deal - i dont have cancer. but please dont judge me for saying what i have. i just need support, somewhere i can talk.
thank you
louise xx
