So here i am, just fresh from the shower. I used to love that fresh feeling, i also used to love soaking in a fragrant bath with a cuppa and a good book. I didnt hate mirrors either.
now I just cry and cry and... well you get the idea.... I chose a mastectomy. it made and still makes sense. not that theres much internal debate time - from diagnosis to op was 3 weeks! the word cancer motivated me to say 'get it gone' with much conviction!
6 weeks after that i had a 'sentinal node clearance' - sounds like a science fiction film where old robots are up for quick sale lol. a week later my first shower. i hadnt been able to have one as my original wound hadnt healed and was redone in the 2nd op and i discovered i am allergic to all waterproof dressings!
In that first shower i cried buckets. and its mostly been that way ever since. sometimes i get cross with myself, tell myself at least i have life. except that i wasnt ill, i just had a couple of lumps, i feel so much worse now.
I am nearly at #2 tax after 3 sessions of fec. Fec wasnt too bad but the 1st tax caught me unawares. apparently the next 2 are easier. then theres radiotharapy and continued herceptin.
Cancer has stolen a year of my life plus my breast and lymph nodes (which were clear of cancer!). I should be, and mostly am, grateful that they think theyve cut it all away and that my nodes were clear but there are times when I am simply bereft. I didnt have a great body, overweight and old, but the two things i loved was my breasts and my hair.
My breasts gave a proportion to my aging fat body and my hair was glorious - thick, luxurious and again a good balance to my body.
now i have 1 breast and no sodding hair! plus when it grows back it probably wont grow back the same!
I was reading a blog earlier that said cancer strips everything apart from what matters away. true. trouble is on some days all that is left is a sad old mutilated crying woman who some days struggles to even function.
in saying that i have wonderful friends and family and they are my motivation to keep going on the other days. its just i cant tell them this stuff so i am telling anyone on here who will listen - thanks x
