Facing new challenges

I need to write this down to 'debrief'. Today I faced what felt like the hardest challenge I have every had. It was my cousin's funeral and the family who have alienated me through directing their anger wrongly at me were going to be there. Since the rift I am totally alone as a single mum, with no other family nearby. I knew I wanted to, had to, go to his funeral for him, and his family, and for myself as we have shared such comfort in both experiencing cancer at the same time - it meant so much that I was able to be there when he died last week and I want somehow to fight on for him, and for me. I was trembling when I awoke after a bad night, but saw my daughter off to school with a smile, showered and breakfasted at leisure. Once I was driving I stopped shaking. I arrived in the car park to the site of my two 6' nephews glaring at me, but I merely nodded and walked to greet some cousins who had arrived and walked in to the waiting room with them. I spoke to several members of the wider family and found relief that, if they knew about the problems, they still treated me well. My sister arrived with my niece and so she had brought all of them. I could have been intimidated but I continued to speak to other people around me, and received one or two anxious looks from older cousins - but I held it together. Just before we went through to the chapel, I stepped forward next to my sister who had not looked at me at all and I said 'How are you?'. She looked at me and just shook her head with stony expression. I turned to my niece and said hallo, and she had a little warmth in her eyes. My brother arrived too, but unusually he didn't come and give me a hug, and he sat away from me in the chapel - so I sat alone. I focussed on my cousin's family at the front, and the reverend's sermon, I sang the hymns and relaxed in prayers - I was giving thanks that I had the strength to carry on and send him off able to celebrate his life and memories, despite the fear and anxiety around meeting my own sister's family. I asked an older member of the family if in the circumstances she thought I should continue to the reception afterwards - she said quite firmly that my cousin would be upset if I didn't and that I was important to them. My confidence has taken such a knock that I find it hard to believe that I am still a source of love and support, and I must bear that in mind. I went to the hotel for the reception, and was really worried about walking in there - my brother was keen not to be seen giving me support it seemed, which I found quite hurtful but I am unable to explain to him either if he has heard the distorted perspective of my sister. There was no sign of any of them, they had chosen not to come. Then I worried that I might be blamed for them not feeling able to come, but it didn't seem to be the case. I was welcomed and enjoyed the warmth and company of my cousin's family and friends, who interestingly have been the only people this year who said how well I looked and wished me well after what I had been through - so how can they show such understanding when my own close family can't? I said my goodbyes and was thanked by my cousin's son in law for everything I did to support them last week, and I was truly comforted by that, and he told me to look after myself. So here I am not at home, the shaking has mostly stopped and I have rambled on about today's experience - really for myself, but also to thank everyone who has helped me this past couple of weeks and given me the strength and courage to get through this. This was one of the greatest challenges and I have survived, again. Lots of love to all who face their own challenges, you are not alone, P xxx