Friday 11th December
Rang the day unit and, sure enough, had to go in. The third day in a row. I know we're lucky to be able to just go in and get treated but I really didn't want another 4/5 hour day at hospital. My mood has been 'simmering' for a couple of days and totally slumped on the way over because I'd had to miss a couple of rare nights out recently because of colds - either mine or other people's. I'm really tired of doing everything I can to minimise risk only to be foiled again :( God I sound pathetic.
Anyway, luckily one of my regular docs was in and she could feel the knobbly bits round the line and see the redness etc. She was absolutely sure it wasn't an infection so that lifted my mood a bit. She sent me round for a chest x-ray which only took 10 minutes - it's usually heaving round there. Got back and she showed my the image - there's a kink in the line - that explains the knobbly bit and also the sluggish blood flow from it. Other than that, everything seemed to be in the right place. She compared with the last chest x-ray in September which showed that it had a kink in it then. I'm just glad they got the chemo through it. She thought that they would probably keep it in for now and change it before the stem cell transplant.
My consultant wandered in then. He was concerned that the line had been so sluggish when they took blood from it a couple of days ago - the first sample was a bit 'clotty'. He'd already booked a slot to have it taken out on Tuesday if they were still finding it difficult to use. I won't need it for radiotherapy. So it makes sense to take it out although my confidence in the team that does it has been dented. They'll also get to fit number 3 next month. I'm wondering if it's possible to have someone watching over their shoulders whilst they do it??
So came home happy that it wasn't an infection. Still fed up though and the only thing for me to do is take myself off and listen to music. so I did.
Saturday 12th December
Inspired by Drew's blog to go out for a walk. Couldn't find an ipod but discovered that the radio on my phone works so set off til it got too boggy (over the top of my boots boggy). It's a good walk through woods and fields and, rarely for round here, it's quite flat. I was really enjoying myself til I noticed the blister - good job I'd turned back when I did. Have a lovely blister on my heel so foiled again. Gaaa! well more like "FFS!!!!". Had a good discussion round the dinner table about the role of TV in the Decline of Civilisation (or something). Discuss. After a while though I just wanted to argue for the hell of it.So the only thing for me to do was take myself off and listen to music. so I am.
I really need to let off some steam somehow or my head is going to explode! So, do I ignore the doctors and drink loads and go out with mates to crowded places regardless? Course not, because it's just not possible for me to do something to jeaopardise all the treatment they're throwing my way. I have to do everything I can, to stay with my boys for as long as I can. I don't feel like crying so that's out. I just need somewhere to direct my 'anger' and general hacked-offness. Usually, an empty house and the amp turned all the way up to 11 does it but that's not going to happen for a few days yet. I'll just have to rant on here. I'll probably read this tomorrow and wish i could blame it on the booze, haha. Anyone else get this? What do you do when the demons land?
nite all xx
