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So here we go - right or wrong

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FormerMember
FormerMember

Ok.  I have  mentioned this before and those of you who know me have said wisely, Let it Go. It won't help, it will slow your recovery from grief, it will cause more pain.

But I have been thinking and I have to do this. I have to get these questions out of me so that in 2 years or 3/4/5 years I am not left thinking, "I wish I'd asked that."

I think my questions will not give me any answers. They will not tell me what I want to hear. They will not alter the outcome - my man is dead. That cannot be changed. In the big picture, they probably would not have made much difference to the final outcome, but they need asking. Just in case, in the future, some poor patient presents with various symptoms and somebody thinks, "Hmm. Perhaps we'll keep him on the books. We WILL keep seeing him very 6 months. We will keep looking for the source of these weird cells just in case............."

Or, "Hmm. this patient keeps complaining about back pain. Well yes, there might be good reason for that but hell, he has had weird cells for a while, too. Perhaps we should send him for another scan and not just write him a script for more morphine."

Or, "Hmm. this patient has mets all over the place. Perhaps we should look n his brain and see if there are any there."

Am I angry? You bet. But that is not why I have to do this. I have to do it as a homage to the man I have lost. He deserves that I do this much. Actually he deserved much more from this inadequate, understaffed and overstretched health system. 

I do not wish to cause pain or make people feel guilt. I do not want people to reach for the phone to their Medical Defence Unions. I do not even want to read the answers my questions may elicit. Because nothing but nothing will give me the outcome I would so dearly love.

I just want to stand up and be listened to. I want people to THINK before they respond in future. Maybe go the extra mile. Maybe look after one of your own? Maybe improve things for the future. Doctors are only humans, I know that.

So there you are. That is what I want to do. And suddenly I feel 10 feet tall and don't even patronise me. Don't fob me off. Because I was once a warrior and I have been to that place "beyond everything."

Little Jen

Anonymous
  • FormerMember
    FormerMember
    Never mind once a warrior... You still are. You do what you need to. You won't get the answers you want and be prepared to be patronised in response but if you need to, then do it. I would let it go but that's me and I am not where you are now so who knows what I would do in your shoes... I will be here next to you whatever warrior woman. Sleep well my fellow Little person love Little My xxx
  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    Dear Little Warrior with the big heart,

    I've been where you are with the thousand and one questions, not just of medical staff, but of my own reactions too. I let it go, but I sometimes wonder whether I should have asked those questions. I realise now that if I had asked them I would probably not have believed the answers I got unless they were what I was expecting.

    Whatever you decide to do, we will be right there beside you.

    Best Welsh cwtches,

    Medium Litlle Odin xxx

     

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    Little Jen, I applaud your courage and dignity.

    I think I understand your desire to ask those questions. My beloved J is, as far as I know, healthy with regular 6-monthly checks, but every thime he clears his throat (one of his early symptoms which we didn't then realise WAS a symptom) I feel the ice in my stomach and the Fear that never goes away that I might lose him as you lost your brave, lovely man. Good men are (possibly) everywhere (pace, paddyman) but it took me 44 years to find mine and I can't bear the thought of being where you, Little Jen, are now.

    Much, much love to you. You are a shining light and I admire you tremendously. x x x

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    Hi LittleJen,

    Just wanted to write back, like Lm said, you're still a warrier, but also, I reckon I'd be doing the same as you, I'd be asking questions. I'm not very good at letting go and I'm also always asking questions... so I think you're doing the right thing because as you said, it could help future patients who may present the same symptoms.   That's one of the reasons I gave feedback to the hopsitals that treated Tom - whether it be well or not so well...

    Good for you for standing up and wanting to be listened to you 10 foot tall lady :)

    Lots and lots of hugs to you

    Clairly xxxxx

     

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    Biggest, tallest, strongest Jen, you are an amazing woman. 

    Do what you have to do, you seem prepared and know it wont all be what you want to hear but if you think this is what you need to do in memory of your beloved man, we stand beside you every step of the way. I love that you want to find out things that could possibly open eyes and change the system slightly to benefit others in the future, and wish you mega luck every step of the way.

    You are doing brilliantly, one step at a time.

    Love n hugs,

    Isis xxx 

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