Its crazy. This whole big "C" malarky. Its almost as if it spreads like wildfire as soon as you know someone who has it another 10 people crop up. Since my boyfriend and I have been together both our dads have been diagnosed(Mine Terminal, His Dad is in the early stages which is amazing). Its weird cos people say "well this year has been rubbish for you then" but no, this year has been amazing. I've seen so many things, so many sides to my Dad that I may never have seen had this not happened. Ive appreciated him after our always strenuous and argumentative relationship and Ive learnt what it is to fear death.
Ive also finally managed to cry about it all too.
Its so strange that at the age of 22 Ive finally been shown that people you love dont live forever. I thought hed be 100, he was always so big and strong and brave, yeah he's been a wanker but Im yet to meet someone who hasnt. But the last 6 months has made him even more amazing. His health is like a yo-yo, going up and down so fast. But hes carried on when to be honest I never thought he would have gone on. Now hes off the chemo for a while, he thinks its positive but the negative in me just thinks "no it means youre not strong enough for it anymore". It was always going to be for prolonging his life but now I feel we have no idea how long is left. He never asked for a prognosis but I feel I need to know. But then I think about a question I was asked by a widow the other day(her husband died of a heart-attack,there and then) "would you rather he went without you knowing or would you rather get to be with him til the end? doesnt it make you sad about not being able to remember him at his best?" On reflection and this has just come to me now, I think he's best when he's human. Which is now what I have seen. I just want him to be here to see my graduate and if hes not, Im gonna get a 1st and prove right what he always told me. I hate that hel never be at my wedding but you can't have it all. Unfortunately. But who knows, the real world is so crazy.
