Well so far, my 78 year old dad has been diagnosed with secondary lung cancer. not sure where its coming from but no ones dealing with it. Hes been for his first chemo today, which got postponed as he had tonsilitis last week.
He's been to a nutritionist for help to make him "fit". this word "fit" seems to be all the doctors are saying to him. but then he cant bruise, cant bleed, and his mind that seems to mean "i cant cant cant cant do anything". its so frustrating.
my mum who is 20 years his senior is sick with flu from being run down. shes on the brink of tears constantly, sometimes it gets too much and she cries all over me. Its so hard going back home and seeing this. He just keeps throwing back our help into our faces, well thats how it feels.
But the main weird thing to me, is I havent really cried. Not properly. Not that eye burning real crying. I was sad when I realised hel never be at my wedding. I hate this feeling. My brain is empty but going a million miles an hour at the same time.
On a good note, im doing two race for lifes soon and have so far raised 14% of my £500 total in 3 days. my sisters doing a race for macmillan. we're doing all we can to be supportive. Its so hard.
Is it okay to just crawl under the covers for a few days and feel nothing?
I feel selfish thinking all this, cos hes going through the real pain and stress. but he wont talk, ive suggested counselling but hes adamant he doesnt want other people. but he finally admitted to me hes scared cos he doesnt understand cancer.
I look forward to another good day. He's got it in him.
