All pretty new to this

Hi Sindy

The first thing to say is that everyone is different, so the way I approach things is right for me but may be totally inappropriate for your Steve.

I have been determined from the outset that melanoma would have as little impact on my life as was practically possible.  I've continued at work, still manage my football team, go to the pub and so on.  I'm not 'ashamed' (for want of a better word) of the fact I have cancer and will talk to anyone who will listen (and some that don't want to) about it.  I read on somebody else's blog on here 'I'm not dying of cancer I'm living with it' which I think perfectly sums up my approach.

My dad however went through his own cancer journey last year and he was very different.  He withdrew from everyone and couldn't face socialising at all.  Like me and your other half he had always been fit, never been to the doctors etc. and really couldn't, or rather didn't know how to, deal with being ill.  So as I said, each person is very different and handles it in their own way.

Because of this I don't think there is a standard way for those nearest and dearest to act. In many ways I think it is harder for family and friends; what do I say?  what do I do? should he be doing that? and a million other things.  In my instance I like my wife to just be herself, to carry on as normal (whatever normal is) and to support me when I need it, and we all need it at times, no matter how much bravado we put on.  In actual fact the whole thing has affected my wife far more than me and she has found it helpful talking to the people at Macmillan on the phone, using this website and our local GP has been very good - so don't neglect yourself and let things build up, there are some excellent and knowledgeable people on here who are more than willing to help in any way they can.

I suspect your Steve is being strong for you and those close to you and if he is comfortable with that then probably you should be.  He will open up in the fullness of time once the initial shock has subsided and he's 'on top' of it all, untill then just support him in any way he needs it and let him lead the way would be my best advice.

I hope that all makes sense and helps in some way.  Always here if you need any help with anything, even if it's just to rant.

Cheers

Steve

Hi Sindy

We blokes [particularly those of a certain age] still see ourselves as having to be stronger than strong when it comes to illnesses and the like, and feel an enduring responsibilty to be able to look after and protect our loved ones;so much so that we tend to keep our fears and worries over our health issues very much to ourselves.

Sometimes we realise that this is a 'head in the sand' attitude but it's a very difficult attitude for us to overcome as we find it difficult to accept the fact that we are not invincible.

I'm as guilty as anyone of all of the above.

As you say you know what he is thinking but not saying so you should be able with your female wiles to ask such questions or make suggestions in a subtle way  that will enable him to share his thoughts with you.

Deep inside we do want to 'unload' but we have to be gently coaxed!