After over 2 weeks my lovely strong sister is defying the odds and is still with us. twice the doctors have called us in and twice she has rallied.
saw her tonight and she spoke a few words to the nurses and acknowledged me with a simple but small nod.
spoke to a psychic last week who said my sister could 'see the tunnel' with people at the end of it.
so she is truly dying but holding on.
it's been a tough 2 weeks. I have felt every emotion on this crazy rollercoaster.
I went back to work today, felt slightly guilty but I know she'd understand. need some normality.
the hospice staff are amazing everyone of them, from 'cuddly nurse' who always brings us tea and cakes in the family room, to the night watchman who insisted in walking me to my car late one night.
we all feel so fatigued which feels mean because she is the one in pain and fighting like crazy which makes her justifiably exhausted. we are physically fine
last week while she talk a bit more I got angry with her and asked her why are you leaving me? I am about to start research and told her the ethical approval is pretty much here which made her smile but I said she was supposed to help me and read it over, and she just said 'I will'.
I believe her, I feel I am a spiritual person and that I have my family around me in spirit, so she will be there I know it.
and my research will honour her.
It's crazy she rallied in the past and we took her home from the hospital trips before, but some days , like today ,I still can't believe she won't come home. a few days ago she seemed worse when she was doped up for her pain and I believed it more then. But today she was grimacing at her pain and needed more breakthrough so I change my mind.
In so many ways I want her to let go and pass on but other ways we still have a glimmer of hope if she is still here.
bloody cancer
