That's me, okay at the moment. Technically there is "no evidence of disease", but it came back in May, less that a year since the primary and has a high incidence of recurrence. Some days I'm grateful not to have chemo cos it sucks, some days I get really depressed and wish I could cos I want the reassurance, but I know it has no effect on my type of cancer (angiosarcoma).
This week I'm worrying about the bowels, every little change, a bit looser - is this it? Last week it was the lungs, a slight cough is the first sign. As time passes I sometimes go whole minutes without worrying.
What frightens me is that yesterday I was doing a reply to a blog "waiting for the axe to fall" just to say I knew where they were coming from, and suddenly found I had written the above. Looks like I'm more screwed up than I thought!
Despite that I'm enjoying my life, manage to work without falling apart (my boss is a superstar) and carry on as normal. Its only inside my head its scary. This site is the only place I can express my fears, as everyone in the real world expects me to be upbeat now I'm okay at the moment!
love and gentle hugs
Sharry xx
FormerMember
I think probably being "okay at the moment" is one of the hardest states to be in as you have nothing to fight right now, but fear a battle looming around every corner. As someone who stared in the mirror one long night after A's cancer diagnosis convinced that I was going to go mad I completely understand your scary inside your head comment too. Still it's always good to blurt out your worst fears as I think they always look more insignificant in the cold light of day.
I know what you mean - although I must admit I would dearly love to be able to say "I'm OK at the moment". This sounds very odd - but it's almost easier to know something is wrong than to be sitting there waiting for that poised axe to fall! At least, when the relapse is confirmed you can get on with doing something active about it.
And that feeling of "Is this sinister?" - I have a pain in my side tonight and am half convinced I have liver mets. Probably just pulled a muscle or something but it typifies the cancer thought processes. I suppose we really do have to live for the day, but it's easier said than done.
Having said that, you looked fabulous in Banstead and were your usual charming and fun self, so you're definitely doing something right - the screwed up bits didn't show at all (or maybe we just didn't recognise them since we all have them!)
Just to say Hi and glad that I am not the only one - It was great after writing about the shadow of the axe to hear from you all. It is mentally exhausting at times and in many ways I wish it was how it was years ago when doctors did not tell you the whole truth but tried to encourage you - very different from today when it is almost as if they delight in telling you how bad things are. I'm sure they don't but sometimes it feels like that!
Yes - the slightest twinge or 'funny feeling' can have me visualising my imminent death and funeral. Wish there was a pill you could take to make you forget for a few hours daily - wouldn't that be good?
NED.. gotta love that! I've been NED for 18 months, but am I still? I do find myself getting cancer envy, why can't I have radio or chemo? Oh, cos it doesn't work on my cancer either, that's why! Outwardly I might look fine, well my scars are hidden, and my lymphoedema leg's not fat anymore, but inside I'm screaming!
I'm still plodding on with work, but in my more lucid moments, when I look back at things I have done, it would appear that my attention to detail isn't what it was! Too busy worrying, I guess!
As you know I've been out of the loop for a while but am catching up with blogs now. It is great to hear you are in the clear. I think we all get periods when we feel paranoid about the beggar coming back and I especially feel that way just before a check-up. I too like the acronym NED but (please forgive my black sense of humour) I would like to add the words 'Diagnosed Yet' thus spelling out NEDDY - sounds much more cheerful and positive! "I'm a NEDDY... wey hey!!!'
