Can't stop crying when I'm alone and arguing with my wife and daughter
1 minute read time.
FormerMember
It's been 2 months since my op to remove a Pleomorphic rhabdomyosarcoma Grade III from my left thigh. I'm on day 4 of a 30 day radiotherapy session and I start physio in a fortnight.
I'm down to one crutch if I leave the house and can hobble around on my own inside, as long as something is close by to hang on to.
My profession is as a self employed IT Engineer/Consultant and I haven't had the motivation, energy or mobility to go back to work since I was admitted to hospital.
I applied for incapacity benefit and DLA but haven't seen any of that yet, so money is a worry.
I'm generally, no always optimistic, easy going and laid back, am rarely depressed and am usually motivated and head strong.
I have always drunk too much, smoked weed and done a bit of charlie every so often but, since coming out of hospital I have been hitting the booze pretty hard. I'll still wait until 5pm before having anything but instead of a glass of wine or a beer the whiskey gets a hammering. I got quite a taste for the morphine when I was in hospital and when the nurse said they were going to take it away the next day I was hitting it every 5 minutes , even though I didn't need it for the pain. Then I had a couple of days on oramorph and after they took that away I was twitching quite heavily.
I feel so tearful all day and I am constantly arguing with the family (generally being a grumpy bastard). Every cancer sufferer has the depression thing in one form or another I know but my question should I seek help? Cut down or stop drinking I can work out for myself but, drugs (antidepressants) or counselling? Any ideas?
FormerMember
Sorry to hear you are having to go through what you are going through...it stinks! I am still in chemo stage.Re the crying etc, you are most definately not alone! I am also a happy positive person, but sometimes for no reason I cry, I am getting more used to it now and just accept it for what it is. I think it is normal and have stopped beating myself up over it. Re the getting help.... I think you may have answered your own question, the fact you are asking means you know it is a problem, I would see your GP initially and ask for help. I wish you loads of strength, you obviously want to come out the other side, so I am sure you will. Make that appointment and let us know how you are getting on. hugs and thoughts!! Jo
Joanne beat me to it, by saying exactly what I planned to say. I can understand you needing the booze to escape from your depression but you just get into a vicious circle. It may make you feel better after that first 'hit' of alcohol, but booze is a depressive agent and can only make you feel good for a short while before it drags you down again. Certainly try your GP but if you don't get much joy there do look up Alcoholics Anonymous in the 'phone book. You can't do this on your own - a guy without health problems can't do it on his own so you have more reason than most to reach out for help.
Of course it is difficult. We all know that, but you have more problems than most. I suppose you can't do any work at all at the moment? Nothing on the stocks to be getting on with? It might have given you something else to think about.
Yes, you also need help. Try and knock the surplus drugs as soon as you can, then have a go at putting the whiskey away, and rationing yourself with the wine and beer. Only you know how many you feel you would enjoy. If you drink because you need to, you need help. If you can say to yourself that say four drinks of an evening are just nice, but more than that is out of control. Decide when you will have them, say one with the meal, then one while you watch TV, one at say 10 pm, then go to bed and save one for the next day, when you will enjoy it more. I have saved myself from making habits, by having plenty around the house that I can drink, but only having it when I will enjoy it. That means having a drink with my husband, (and my daughter when she was at home) then after the meal, having a coffee and carrying on with coffee and/or tea for the rest of the evening. Maybe the caffeine would help with your drug twitchiness as well.
Maybe you aren't an alcoholic, with a physical need, but you built up habits, and need to try and break them. If you are on chemo, you need to try not to drink dehydrating fluids and flush it out of your system without alcohol. You are the one in control, and I'm not going to wag a finger at you for you to say I'm making you do anything. It is up to you to take control of your life and get better, then back to work if you can get it.
Shank, definitely stop the booze and the pot and the charlie asap. Increase some vitamins to help off set any withdrawals. Get yourself some vitamin B-1 (BComplex in the morning only) 200 mg 3x daily. Increase your nutrition intake and DO SOMETHING physically and with work. It will be really hard at first, but if you just keep at it, you should begin to feel much better fairly soon and then don't let up. You have to create some new habits and routines and look to create a NEW NORMAL not go back to normal as we are forever changed by cancer. You have to FIGHT for your sanity and well being. Its really hard, god knows it is, but suck it up and as Lance Armstrong says in his book "Its Not About the Bike" (which I highly recommend), "Don't be a Skirt!". Its a cute little phrase that he and his wife used to say to each other when one or the other was being wimpy. Now I don't want a bunch of women to jump on me about that (I'm a women), but if you read the book you'll get the sentiment. FIGHT SHANK! FIGHT! You can win, you can beat this thing. Now go give your wife and daughter a hug and tell them what you are trying to do and get them on board with you. If you are crabby the next few days with out the self medicating they will be able to handle it. Its being crabby AND self medicating that is just intolerable. There will be an end to and I know you can manage it. But you have to take it on buddy, it won't just happen. Come on in the chat room to get some laughs and help sustain yourself. Best, Lori
hi shanks i had to reply to your blog because i can understand you in some ways though i havnt ever been a drug taker or alcholic my sister is i am the one with the cancer . my sister has lost everything through doing this including her children who live with me & believe me the live with the effects of her drinking ect i am not saying you have got to this stage yet but if you are using alchol etc as a crutch for the cancer you will end up in a worse state than you are now your family are argueing with you because they can see what you are doing & they love you too much to lose you thats why i stuck my nose in when i saw my sister out of control please don't risk loosing what is most important to you FAMILY is the best drug of all my sister has finally realised to late she still has her problem after four months in rehab but at least now she can see we did the right thing for her .with you having cancer as well & under going treatment & surgery your body is already in a weakend state hence the crying come on mate get some help from your gp we will all be behind you on here you can pour your feelings out anytime that will help with the anger helplessness there are wonderfull people on here who will help you i hope you don't think im preaching because im not honest but i have seen the results of to much drink & its devastastion all the way start with your gp tomorrow PLEASE if you would like to pm me anytime i will be there to listen take care love n hugs theresa
