well, i managed to get through the meeting with social services. there were two people there and a woman taking notes. i also took notes. i think that they had intended to wrap it up there and then, and push the whole awkwardly inconveniant episode behind them. awkwardly inconveniant being my father's end of life care or lack of, being undermedicated when dying in pain, lack of nursing and more.
they began with telling me the positives that had come from the experience. that the nursing home in question had now applied to have controlled drugs on the premises and they were going to take part in something i have yet to read about, liverpool pathways (?) to better their services, and their poor note taking and records were going to be looked at. oh, and an investigation or check rather by the cqc. yet most of my complaint has been able to be dismissed as there are no records to back up what i say. i am sickened to say that even the macmillan nurse that visited my father on the day of the morphine fiasco has lied about events and conversations. macmillan nurses are far from angels. they seem to have this impenetrable halo instantly bestowed upon them, like all nurses and doctors used to.
i have requested my fathers medical notes, his care plan records, although they admit they are poor and are not worth very much as staff do no write incidents up properly. they have been unable to find the ambulance crew that would confirm we were left to help them through the building that they got lost in, nobody met them apart from my mother, not one member of staff saw or spoke to them the entire time they were there. they also suggested we made a complaint. so i have asked them to try again to speak to crew on duty. you would think it would be easy to locate the paramedics. they say not.
the dr that saw my father and instructed that he should now have his morphine via the syringe driver asap and who i must admit was extremely practical and compassionate, that communicated with us and involved us who nursed my father in his final days in decision making, that gave clear concise instruction, well that has all been denied and yet they have no statement from him. that has been requested.
i have also requested to see the statements that the home and matron have made. which refute much of what i say and how the situation was.
i keep staring at daddy's ashes. i still have them in my room. i see him, how he stood, spoke, smiled, and it does not correlate with the emptiness left. i have a pain in my chest, my eyes want to cry and its pushed away. as if crying would dissolve me.
well, i was strong for you daddy. please be proud, im trying my best. x
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