First entry

Hi all, I've been reading all your posts in groups and things and think your all wonderful people. Be it your fighting cancer, caring for someone who has or recently lost someone to cancer your all such inspirations. I have decided to pretty much write a diary on here to help myself but hopefully help others. I'd love to hear from anyone reading this and your experiences etc of living with this relentless disease. My husband is doing relatively well at the moment. He was diagnosed just after Father's Day 2011, he has since had 2 surgery a to debulk radiotherapy with Temozolomide and followed by Temozolomide and this was stopped when they spotted regrowth on a routine scan (he was on a trial). He has had a craniotomy since and managed 4 cycles of PCV chemo before his body could no longer tolerate it. Christies have said they will see us in 3 months for a scan and to review. We were told he had 6-12 months to live in October last year with the PCV. I don't know how much I can rely on what they say. I feel like we're sitting on a time bomb waiting to go off and tear our world apart (further than it is already). My husband is having severe mood swings at the moment and it scares me. Not for me but I know my husband isn't like this and I'm scared this is what kiddo will remember of him. I'm trying so hard to keep all running smoothly but I get so tired of it all sometimes. It's been a mega rollercoaster of emotion for 2 years now. Having hope to no hope constantly. With a 2 year old its a bit harder sometimes because hubby isn't able to understand his behaviour or his developing speech and this frustrates him. He tells me how he feels like a waste of space and how he wishes he was out the way so I can live my life! I hate it when he says this it makes me feel so hopeless and like I make him feel this way when I try my hardest to make life as good as it can be for him. He cannot be alone with our kiddo because he is prone to seizures and to be honest i don't think he could cope! I feel at a loss all the time. I have been having councilling and I speak to my mum. The doctors started me on Propranalol last week for anxiety and this has helped lots. I want out of this so badly sometimes it hurts everyday to watch the man I love become so different and low. I want him back but I can't have him, I HATE CANCER!!! I will leave it there and I'm sure future blog posts will be shorter just thought I'd give a good chunk of info on this one! On a lighter note, I heard a joke today and it made me laugh for the first time in a while: Why are Pirates called Pirates? Because they Arrrrrr! Will post soon Big hugs to all the fab people out there Sarah xxx