Thank you Julie, Carol and Terri for your comments. It is the first time I have written anything on this site and I wasn't actually expecting any comments, I just wanted to write something as i sat with Sam whilst he slept. Your comments helped me and made me cry, which is no bad thing as I know I bottle it all up.
Sam is sleeping again, he slept from half 4 til 10 tonight and now since midnight so I guess it will be in the very early hours that I get to bed after he has woken again and is able to get up the stairs. He is so determined to keep going up and down stairs although he is coming round to moving his bed down into the living room so I have been looking at camp beds that I can sleep on. There is no way I could go up to bed and leave him down here on his own. I have been reading other peoples posts and it seems so many of us go through the same thing, doing our best for the ones we love and trying to lead a "normal" life at the same time. I have been trying to catch up on some of jobs that need done in the house today but nothing is straightforward. I have to put some new skirting board on a wall, put the edging down and paper the wall. I found tonight that the wall is not flat so the skirting board won't sit right and I couldn't finish the job. Everything I try to do has complications. Or visitors arrive, or a nurse arrives and everything has to stop. I am convinced Sam is hanging on until everything is done so perhaps these obstacles are put in my way on purpose so I'm not complaining and I am reluctant to finish everything in case he will then feel ready to go. Sam is in so much pain and so unhappy with how he looks - bloated from fluid retention and unable to get about. I hate to see him suffering so much but know there is only one way it will stop and I can't bear to think about that. I try to content myself with the knowledge that Sam appears to be in control and he will decide when the time is right. But I don't want him hanging on for my sake. My emotions are all over the place and then I feel guilty for thinking about me. I just can't imagine how Sam feels. He doesn't talk about his feelings much, the only thing he has really said is he doesn't know what he's more scared of - living or dying. He is worried about how he will end up and what I will have to do for him. I've tried to reassure him that I am happy to do anything he asks or needs and I can only hope he believes me, I think he does. It must be so scary and daunting.
Both my Mum and Dad died of cancer and both in hospital. This was really hard on my Dad as he drove 60 miles each way every night after work for 13 weeks to be with my Mum. I don't know how he did it. My Mum looked so well right up to the end. Like Sam her cancer spread to her bones and that's what I find so difficult looking after him. He hasn't lost any weight and so looks okay yet i know from my Mum that not everyone does lose weight so there can be no indication that the end is near. The last time I saw her she looked better than she ever had but died the following night. My Dad was a completely different story, he seemed to disappear before my eyes and was so painfully thin and I was privileged to be with him until his last breath. Sam wants to stay at home and I am pleased about that. He hates being in hospital and would not be of any help to him. Sam has often asked me if his snoring keeps me awake, I've told him it doesn't, completely the opposite, I can't sleep when he's quiet. I dread the quiet nights as I will have them for far longer than the ones listening to him snore.
This has turned into another epic blog post! Sam is still asleep so I am sure I will up for a good while longer yet. I keep telling myself I should sleep when he does but i just can't. I want to enjoy him awake and asleep, when he's asleep it means he's comfortable and that's good.
My thoughts are with everyone who is going through this difficult situation and also with those who are trying to come to terms with the loss of their loved ones.
