Riding the cancer storm

I keep staring at the cards all around the living room. There's loads on every piece of flat space available. 'With sympathy' I want to swipe them all aside, hide them in drawers, throw them all out because that will make the house look more like normal. Then perhaps for a moment I can pretend that you have simply gone out and you will be back soon.

I woke up crying today. OH asked me a simple question and I cried some more. My first thought every morning is 'she's dead, oh my god'. He thinks i should talk to someone. I cant see the point. Is not going to change things, is it? You will still be dead, and I will still be here. Perhaps I am being pessimistic. Should I try it? Perhaps its the NLP training in me, i know the flaws of the counselling model. I know…

I was sitting in my living room, on Skype to my parents in the UK. I can see it clearly. Mum was so upset after breaking the news, the C word, that she got up an left the room. I was in shock, to be honest. With no cancer history I couldn't believe it. She'll be ok, right? She looks ok? Forward 4 days: she's been admitted to hospital. They think she has an infection. Liver biopsy test results will take a week…