After a long stresful day at work witch have followed a week of bad days i have come to realise that i am still not coping, like every one else i have good and bad days. But it seems the last two weeks in paricual have been very bad. i cant really explain now i feel the only thing i can think is i feel like i am falling and there is nothing there to catch me. i am scared when i hit the ground what will happen. mums been particually ill the last few weeks and i have spend some more time with her witch in itself is a struggle and now i am on such a low i am struggling to get myself out. i keep thinking of her at home in the state she is in, knowing she is in pain and feeling so bloody bad that i cant make myself stronger. that i cant muster up the strength to go round and see her more. truth is i just cant cope with it. is it possible to come to terms with something this massive? knowing that mum doesnt have long left...that i will have to say goodbye. how do i do that? how do u come to terms with that? i keep thinking of all the memories i have all the things we did together, how much she means. i just feel like i am starting to spiral, listeing to mum say she doesnt wanna quit work (we all know she should she just isnt well enough) coz she doesnt wanna sit there thinking about whats gonna happen. its tearing me apart,it really is!! i just wish she could get better that i could do something, anything!! mum has always been there to tell me everything is ok to promise things would get better. she told me when she was diagnose she wished so much she could promise me things would be ok......but she couldnt. i dont know whats gonna happen other than the enavatble. i am so scared, i will put my hands up to that. i have never been so scared. about mum, how she will be come the end, the family my dad. that dad will grow old without her, she wont b there when i get married or when i have a child.....i just cant seem to come to terms with this. think i am just having a really shit low time right now. have seen councillers before but it didnt do much...feel a little lost. hopefully i find some peace tonight.hope every one else is well, gooseberry
