Can’t get used to losing you

Hey P,

I haven't had a full head of hair since March 2009, I only lost the front half of my head (which prob looked worse without a hat) but with a hat, people might have thought I was a lazy cow who couldn't be bothered - how far from the truth was that.  I didn't have fabulous hair but I was very particular about it and cared for it greatly and when the RT made it fall out, I cried for longer and harder than when I was told I had a grade 3 not grade 2 brain tumour!

Its taken me till December to graduate from a hat to a wide headband (and now its too fricken cold to go out without the hat anyway).  My parents came to visit in the week and only my Dad outside of my immediate family (hubby & kids) had seen my baldy bonce - and thats cos he wanted to see the brain surgery scar - so I was proudly wearing my wide glittery threaded black headband which doesn't exactly create a perfect frame for my fat lil' face but hey ho, better than wearing a hat all day......and my Mum says "oh how much of that is YOUR hair"....cheeky "all of it" I reply!  I do have a "sparse spot below which the tumour was and this took the biggest radiation hit and I will always need a wicked combover at the front (thankfully my parting is on the other side so it could work out!).  However what I've been meaning to get to is my kids often say "its weird seeing you go out without a hat Mum, we got used to you looking like Andy out of Little Britain" - which sadly I do LOL  I wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry either but its slowly growing albeit grey and thinner than ever on top - can't even take the pee out of my hubby any longer for going thin on top!

Sorry I seem to have waffled on and on - some blogs just hit the spot ;)  brilliantly written as usual.

Have a fabulous Christmas and here's to a hairy 2010 ;)

Love & Strength

Debs xx

Hey Debs - thanks for you lovely long response.  It is "funny" how in this incredibly diverse situation we react to different events. I probably should have been more shocked to hear that I am Triple Neg and this treatment is it. Instead I am thinking why will I be sitting at Christmas lunch with a paper hat on a kiwi fuzzy head! LOL!

The hair thing is such a tough call - it is so obvious - so unfeminine - and I know it is the one thing that truly bothers a lot of (female) cancer sufferers.  I didn't mention in my blog that mum battled with ovarian cancer for 5 years and died at 53.  She lost her hair in the last 6 months and that was a real turn down for her.  She was no glamour puss, hardly wore any make up, but it was the final straw.

Have yourself a lovely Christmas with your family.  Has yes, may we have a few more furry folicles next year.

Lots of love - Px

Hi P,

Im due to start my chemo in Jan and am dreading the loss of hair, like you and Debs say the thought of losing your hair is worse than th diagnosis. I have ummed and ahhed about a wig but finally asked about it last week so will wait and see what is on offer. I have managed to gt myself a nice little collection of beanie hats together and have been giving these a trial run this week with the snowy weather. My two girls 15 and 16 know Im going to lose my hair but I still dont know what to tell my 3 and a half year old. Its doesnt bode well as I have had my hair cut shorter twice now and the last time he said he didnt like it and I had to go and get my hair back.

Brillian blog, have a wonderful christmas with your family.

take care love Terri xxx

Hi Terri - it was the bit where it actually fell out that I found the most distressing - once it was gone then I felt better.

The boys (8 and 10) have not been really bothered about it - and this is a great time of year as everyone is wearing hats and scarves.  I don't feel that conspicous when I go shopping - I don't think a lot of people notice - especially as they are so wrapped up in Christmas.

I thought I would get wig - but decided it wasn't for me - and I have heard a number of people try them but find them hot and uncomfortable. Everyone to their own.

I hope your chemo goes OK in the New Year - and that you will have noted from my blog that the anticipation of it was worse than the reality for me.

Merry Christmas - Px

I spent £200 on a wig, its fabulous, gorgeous and highlighted and so much fuller than I ever had and I even had it thinned and cut to a similar style I had before BUT.........I only wore it out once, it just wasn't 'me' and I felt like I was wearing a big sign saying "woman in a wig coming through".  Although I doubt anyone even noticed! "She" sits on a stand in my wardrobe now, I pat her every now and again!

I think the biggest hang up I had about losing my hair was it was like a "cancer badge", I felt OK but if I looked in the mirror - oh boy Debs you ARE ill ! Such a minor blip in the grand scheme of things but thats how I felt.  As my hair started to fall, so did the tears but it was so compelling to "pull" it out - not that you needed to pull, it just came away painlessly in my hands.....but it was like bubble wrap or pringles - once you pop you just cant stop LOL

The fear of the unknown is by far the worst thing in this journey - well, that and waiting for results.

I am off now and promise not to hog your blog anymore ;)

Debs xx