Hi guys
Again thanks for all hugs, kisses, good wishes etc. What I ought to make clear first is that as it took me a while to pluck up courage to start a blog, I am writing this all retrospectively and will catch up as time goes on. So just to let everyone know who wished me well with my colonoscopy, I've not quite caught up to that part yet.
So to continue from where I left off. For anyone concerned about the speed of the NHS please let me assure you that certainly in my experience, things moved along really quickly. Sure enough, I got an appointment within the two weeks guide-lines to attend the colorectal clinic at Addenbrookes. This time I had on my new "chosen ones" (see previous post). Black, stretchy, and patterned with pink, red and yellow skull and crossbones. These were no namby pamby scaredy pants. These were full of attitude and sat scowling at all approaches to my nether region. A perfect choice for what for me was a really scary experience.
Again its not the embarrassment, its what is the problem. I'd have danced naked around the hospital with a daffodil up my backside if I thought it would stop me getting cancer. Anyhow back to the real world - a lovely friendly specialist nurse introduced herself, asked some questions and told me to take up my least favourite position of left side and knees up. Gloves, gel and finger. Any hope that the cause of all this indignity may have disapperared since the doctors visit were dashed and the nurse left me to see if she could collar the consultant to check it out too - apparently it was in a very awkward position. After waiting for several minutes, the consultant came in and managed to take a biopsy. I did ask whether I should be cancelling my holiday in March at this stage and he told me that dependent on the biopsy, he would get me in after it or before for an op. No answer at all really which is fair enough given the results aren't known.
Another nurse then told me that I would be booked for a colonscopy within the next 2 weeks regardless of the biopsy result anyhow and that an appointment would be sent and then I was given a date to call for my biopsy results. Everything was very well organised. In Addenbrookes there is a specialist team and you are given a card with listed names and phone numbers and asked to give them a call with any worries and concerns. Let me tell you that really the worst part is waiting and I can only say, get on with your life because if you have a positive biopsy your life will change fast enough then.
I think I knew anyhow what the result would be, and no I'm not a seventh daughter of a seventh daughter, it was maybe the vibes around me, maybe that I tend to think the worst, I really don't know but when I did eventually call and got told it was a cancer, lets just say it was not a surprise. I remember calmly asking what happens next and writing down, scan this, mri that, yes, it would be probably best to cancel my holiday. I sat numbly at the table for a minute and then called Mark at work and in a surprisingly steady voice told him the news, asking if he could come home early as I soo needed a cuddle. Then a round of calls to friends and family. My daughter cried, and through all this I tried so hard not to cry to. I did finally allow the tears to flow when Mark got home and I remember my drama queen moment when I told him I didn't want to die. I am sure all of us going through this have either said or thought this.
Anyhow I called round my daughters later that evening and she told me about 2 people she knew who had this cancer too. One was 20 years on with a bag and another 8 years on and suddenly we weren't sad anymore. We were going to beat this like they had. Funny but hearing about some survivors gave me so much more optimism rather than all the sad internet stories about death. Don't get me wrong, I'm not knocking them at all, I just really wanted something good to hear for a change to make me feel that I had a chance to survive.
The next day I was back at work and took the decision that I didn't want people wondering about my funny trips out during the day for appointments, putting up with me being a bit ratty, and I didn't want any talking behind my back so I took the approach to fess up straight away. Needless to say, tears flowed again as I told the guys all about it and that I wanted to carry on as normal. And it really was the very best thing I did. There was real sympathy, and they all wanted to know about how I was coping, even interested in symptoms, treatment etc. I got spoilt with tea being made for me and a great friend at work insisted on making me eat carrot stick and humous. Everyone is different but this was really such a supportive experience and I recommend it even though it did feature my "backside" in the star role.
The second great experience was telling the girls at my Aqua class. Suddenly they were all there, wishing me well, some having cancer stories of their own to tell and friends there offering lifts to hospital. Times like this, makes you feel really good when you really need it. And believe me you will do. I'm not a touchy feely cuddly type, I can certainly come over as a bit snobby and aloof but I have found out that I really really want hugs, kisses, friends etc and I am so sorry if I have not realised that before and I absolutely know that if I meet any other cancer patients then I am going to be pro-active with them instead of keeping my distance because I'm just not sure how to act. And finally thanks to my lovely neighbours who have always been great but are truly magnificient since my diagnosis.
Anyhow life's good, I've got a colonoscopy to look forward to yippee, and as my best friend a nurse assures me, "you'll lose 1/2 stone drinking the enema". See every cloud has a silver lining. A great figure, sexy new underwear. Well you'll find out how it goies next time if you can bear to keep on reading this drivel, see you soon :)
Love
Sue xxxxxx
