Well - I set myself a little test or two.
On Friday, went in to my D's place of work - something I had to do and couldn't put off any longer. He had retired 4 years earlier, but it was always his place, as far as we were concerned. As soon as I reached the entrance, I knew it was going to be hard. Got up the stairs and lost it. The receptionists were lovely, and we were all in tears. Half expected D to pop out with a big smile, but of course I knew he wouldn't. And there was the source of my sadness. So much of his life - 35 years of work - was tied up with the place, from when he first set foot in the UK. So many memories. But I did it. When I'd finished, went off and kept it together for a short while and then bam. Walking round the streets with tears streaming down my face, a complete mess. So, dived into a church near his work and sat quietly. Lit a candle for D. Drove back home and could hardly see the road for tears. Once home, completely but completely lost it and sobbed. Argh - the memories were just flooding into the brain.
My neighbours asked me to go with them that evening to the opera - a trip planned weeks before - and I made myself go. It was the perfect antidote for my sadness, and i laughed and enjoyed Mozart,
Then, had decided to have the week-end completely on my own with nothing planned, no visits, no cups of tea,nothing. Just me and the dog. Well I've done it. I survived. Wouldn't choose every week-end to be like that, oh no. But I learnt something. The kindness of strangers, the little pieces of human contact which are unexpected and help to keep you going.
But this is the reality. I don't much care for it. If I think too far ahead, I could cut off my head as it's pretty bleak - the loneliness, the realisation that this is how it is. He ain't coming back. I know that, but now it is really hitting home, and I guess it will keep doing so.
But somehow or other I will get through this. Just putting one foot in front of the other because there's no choice and he would want me to. And because I have to manage for the sake of the kids, too. And it sucks, it's cruel, I hate cancer etc etc and I'd like to hide under the duvet and come out in two or three years time. Hahahaha. Oh no. You don't escape that easily, girl. You have to work through all this and come out the other side...........
So I will. The real test of a warrior. The stripping everything away to the core to find out what's there. Is it just weak and fluffy in there or is there a little hint of steel, a will to survive.........? Well not for nothing did I spend all those years with a man of courage and determination. Perhaps that's what they mean when they say your loved one never leaves you. For sure, I will carry him in my heart for ever. But a little bit of his courage is propping me up, and maybe he is walking beside me when I am struggling.
I intend to give it a go .......somehow..........
Little Jen
