Before you say anything, yes I know it's a lousy first title. I'll try and do better in the future.
So, here I am. 28, Christian, relatively healthy compared to the rest of the nation, attempting to run my own business and doing fairly well, making progress with it all. I have loads of friends at work and in my church, and am often referred to as the happiest and loudest person anyone has ever met. I am the guy who looks on the bright side, cheers others up when they're down and is generally someone who will listen if you have a problem.
I am someone who gets things done, someone to be relied upon and trusted. I don't get angry or stressed, not since I was 21 and I discovered martial arts, and after that, God. I do not complain, I do not whinge, I do not have problems, I have solutions!
And now, as I found out a week ago, I have cancer.
Feels like the whole world has changed, and yet...I FEEL the same. Mostly. There is a voice in my head, a small, persistent, nagging voice. A voice that wants me to give up and sulk. A voice that wants me to break down and cry. A voice that wants me to scream and shout and rage that this just isn't FAIR! It's a voice from my past. A childish voice that I thought long gone, a voice I worked hard to banish. And with one diagnosis, it comes running back.
But on the whole, so far at least, I can look back on my actions over the last week, during the tests and the confirmations and talks of treatment, and so far I can honestly say I've stayed positive, and true to myself. There has been only one day when that small voice conquered me, and had me sit and stare and attempt nothing at all. One day when I was weak, and all I could thing was "I have cancer, I have cancer, I have cancer". At least I didn't shout at anyone, or start a fight.
Next Tuesday I find out when my chemo will start, and soon I hope I will find out whether I will receive financial help through my cancer. My landlord says not, but I don't believe him even when he tells me it's raining outside.
Here's to staying positive. To looking on the bright side. Here's to the ability to laugh and joke through any situation, and here's to remembering that just because you have problems, doesn't mean you can't help with someone else's. Most of all though, here's to hoping that over the course of our cancer journey, we may always remain the person we wish and strive to be, rather than becoming a product of our fear and worry.
DaveM
Es nil hesrl
