Recently, due to stress and my inability to cope with it healthily...I have been hitting the bottle a tad too much. Thursday night I can't even remember calling my fella...the one bright point in my life right now...and giving him a load of grief. It's affecting my health, my job, my relationship.
I know I need to stop drinking but I'm so lonely and depressed. I'm moving back to the parents place tonight which will hopefully help, and am going to see me doc. I'm just spiralling downwards really quickly and everything feels out of control.
I'm consumed with guilt. Guilt that I haven't been helping out at parents/seeing my Dad more. Guilt that I'm not coping with this very well. Guilt that I'm not being a very good girlfriend. Guilt that I'm not being a very good colleague. This is not good because I get thoughts of self harm and do this whole self-hate thing.
I'm consumed with anger. Anger that my Dad is being taken away from me slowly and painfully. Anger that I'm not coping better. Anger that nobody around me can understand how I feel. Anger at myself that I'm not able to tell people how I feel. Anger that I don't really understand how I feel. This is not good because I am up and down like a yo-yo and it makes it not very nice to be around me.
I don't know whether to go back on antidepressants, to cut off my social life (thereby cutting off alcohol), to go to counselling...I just don't know where the help I need/want is. I just need help.
