So my OH was diagnosed with a rectal tumour back in April and has so far undergone 5 consecutive days of radiotherapy followed by a break 2 weeks and onto chemo.
the radiotherapy wasn’t too bad he struggled with discomfort but mainly due to repeated bowel impactions.
the chemo, well, it’s knocked the poor guy for 6. After the first IV the cold sensations and nausea were real hard for him and his hand was so swollen. He was exhausted and hungry but then the pain seemed to rocket and he was back in hospital with another impaction, I guess that’s the price you pay for such a high dose of pain relief, it’s a viscous circle really. You need the pain relief which causes constipation so prescribed laxatives but it was too late and already impacted.
He spent two weeks in a lot pain following a stoma op in Wrexham and finally made it home somewhat skinnier than I remembered.
next round of chemo a week later and impacted again and ended up admitted to a&e on the Wirral (I bought a house there just before lockdown and as I didn’t want him being on his own during treatment he’s been staying with me). Can’t praise them enough, sorted him out over the weekend and got a dietician and nutritionist to see him. Malnourished from so much vomiting from the chemo and sent home with plenty of appropriate meal replacement shakes for low fibre diet and loads of laxatives and written advice.
3rd round of chemo yesterday and I had the decision to make of whether to pick my OH up after chemo and take him back to my place on the Wirral and return him to Wrexham both Saturday and Sunday for the district nurses to check on him (no gas or leccy at his place as he hasn’t been there much) or he stayed in Wrexham all weekend which I can assure you he was most unimpressed with. The guilt I felt saying I couldn’t do the driving and caring because of exhaustion both physical and mental (I have issues with anxiety and depression anyway) was just boggeling.
he understands that it was tough decision and doesn’t blame me or complain but i can’t begin to explain how lonely I’ve felt, and if I have felt like that I dread to think how it must feel for him to be in hospital alone and not be able to have visitors.
I find it difficult to be away from him as it is whilst I’m at work, but not even being able to reassure/comfort him is really tough and I feel selfish for it and try not to show him that it’s getting to me when he is home between chemo sessions and hospital admissions but I wonder how people really cope?
I know hundreds of people must be in the same boat, if not more and I wanted to free my mind of some of these thoughts by blogging, it didn’t even matter if no one reads this, I find the process cathartic.
I can’t even begin to imagine the pain my OH is in and how he is truly feeling as he’s not the best “talker”; it’s kind of a thing we have, we are very aware of body language and tone of voice etc and find it difficult to express over the phone and put things into words sometimes but that’s usually okay because just being there is enough..... normally - covid means 60%~99% were apart ALOT depending on his treatment cycle and if he’s hospitalised and we’re only up to 3rd cycle chemo
we jest about being antisocial as we are so happy in our own company together when not working but this situation is rough all over with a pandemic 
going on
#exhaustedinsomniacmeowmeow
